The Last Milestone

This post is difficult for me to write for a multitude of reasons, but one reason in particular really hits home. My heart is greatly saddened for the victims of the shooting at the Portland mall and Sandy Hook Elementary school and their families. I know the heartbreaking journey they have already begun and will continue to endure. I offer my deepest condolences and sympathies to the mothers, fathers, spouses, children, siblings, relatives, and friends of those who have suffered such an unspeakable tragedy. Let us not lose hope in humanity and honor those who lost their lives by treating strangers, friends, and family with the respect, dignity, and love we all deserve.

For me, today represents the last milestone that was linked to Kevin and I's life we were supposed to have together. I started school when he was still alive. He became my biggest supporter and cheerleader during the first six months of this intense and difficult program.  I knew he had more faith in me than I had in myself at times. This bitter sweet feeling started on Wednesday, December 5th, which should have been my last day of clinical rotations ever. I took my first two rotations off this year to do what I didn't get a chance to do right after Kevin died...grieve. I was thrown back into life so quickly that I didn't get a chance to breathe until last December, and now I am faced, once again, with the life we will never have.

Wednesday (the 5th) I woke up feeling like it was just another day, nothing special. And then I was slapped very quickly by reality and thrown back into the pit. I tried very hard to be proud of how far I have come and to understand that even though Kevin is not here in the present...his love and support will be apart of my future forever. I went to my school to say hello to a very important person and was greeted with a giant smile, a warm embrace, and of course...a beautiful dragonfly.

 The anxiety and fear quickly left as I felt him instantly with me telling me it's okay...that it will always be okay.

Thursday (the 6th) was our end of rotation seminar and awards ceremony. I was just happy that it was the last day of school for me for at least a month and was definitely not expecting any awards. After Kevin died I had to scrape and claw my way to passing grades so for the first time in my life, I knew there were no honor cords for me. Just before the ceremony started though, I got an unexpected gift from a professor. She leaned down next to me and handed me a dragonfly necklace and said "I saw this and thought of you." My heart skipped a beat...he was there again.

One of the awards presented was called the "Spirit" award. This award was for "a student who, in the eyes of their fellow students, exemplifies the spirit of a dedicated Physician Assistant. The candidate might be someone who has overcome obstacles in their quest to become a PA or someone who has coped with adversity particularly well. It may be someone whose leadership and spirit you admire or it may be someone you feel went above and beyond the call of duty to help fellow students or patients." My name was called and the entire room gave me a standing ovation. I am normally pretty savvy with words...but this feeling was something that I cannot explain. It was the feeling I used to get as I witnessed several standing ovations my Aunt Brenda received and I knew her and Kevin were watching from heaven grinning ear to ear. 

After the awards ceremony I took some much needed R&R and drove to a friends house in Amsterdam, NY for the weekend. I was also greeted there by a very important person, Kevin's little brother, Ian. Long story short, he decided to take a road trip across the country starting in California Thanksgiving day and I guilted him into driving to the New England and coming to my graduation. It was nice to finally have some company during all my travels and adventures for the week before graduation.

I have created this new life without the physical being of Kevin, but I know he has helped me every step of the way. He has shown me through his many strategically placed dragonfly's and unexpected kindness from strangers that he has never left me. I am facing my new life without him by my side and for the first time...I am excited about my future. The tragedy of losing my husband at the age of 26 has given me a lifetime full of sorrow and pain...but it has also given me the gift of appreciating the now more than ever, of knowing that tomorrow is never promised, and to always live and love to the fullest. 

This is my time, this is my chapter two.