I have been in the ED for 3 weeks now and I have got to sew a fair share of lacerations...not even close to as many as I would like but I think it would be against policy to go around cutting people just so I could sew them back up. I also get to do what they call an Incision and Drainage which is pretty much a huge zit or an infection under the skin that cause an abscess...you might have seen the youtube videos going around labeled "Huge cyst extraction" or...well you could pretty much watch every video made of abscess' being excised after you search for that one (warning: if you have a weak stomach or do not like cool repulsive things...do not watch). I love the days when I get to do stuff like that. The best part is, though...that they always feel better after the cut is sewed, or the abscess has been drained. Sometimes their cut may look like their finger is going to fall off and two or three stitches later...it looks like a finger again. Sometimes theses people will get antibiotics so prevent a further infection and they are sent on their way. They will have a small scar to remember their day in the ER...but their lives will go on as if nothing ever happened.

It's been 11 months now. 11 months!! I can't help but to think about how the death of Kevin has left such an incredible wound that I wonder if it will ever be able to fully be repaired. My heart was shattered into a million pieces.  There has been days that I felt like it was being slowing put back together...piece by piece. And then there are the days when it all falls apart again. I can't predict when these days will come. Trust me...I've tried. Sometimes there are days that I have to brace myself for...only to feel nothing. And then...wham...like a nor'easter I am shoved to the ground in a white out of tears and anguish.

I wish it were as easy as a stitch and an antibiotic. My heart would be fixed and assured that it would stay that way.

But then again...the cuts on my heart are ones that I have earned. Everyday I am rebuilding and transforming into the new me. Everyday I am learning, growing, and becoming a person that I know Kevin would be so proud of. A quick fix would deny me of the very person that I am still becoming. It would deny me of a higher love that I know I am capable of giving.

Though it is hard to see through the fog now...I know one day...in the far future...that my cuts will only be scars. Those scars will carry the story of who I once was and the journey it took to be the person I am still becoming.