I feel it coming. June 24th. A date that I have unsuccessfully shoved to the back of my mind because the mere mention of that date sends waves of nausea and pain throughout my body. I was doing to good. I was getting my motivation to be somebody again...and then WHAM! A slap in the face. Sometimes it comes from nowhere...and sometimes...I know exactly where it comes from.

This is still all a nightmare...right? I just talked to him yesterday..right? I just held him yesterday...right? I just kissed him yesterday...right? How could the answer to all these questions be...No?

The closer it gets, the more I feel the pull backwards. It's like a magnet, as long as I stay a good distance away from the date, it won't affect me. But the closer it gets the more I feel the pull to that date. June 24th. The day my life was shattered and changed forever. June 24th. The questions have started to come back.

Why me? Why him? Why us? We were so perfect. He was a benefit to society in every sense of the word. Why not someone else? These are questions I had stopped asking because there is no answer. God does not have an answer. All the ridiculous platitudes that people said in the beginning were worthless because I was going through the most mind numbing pain I could ever imagine. "God must have needed him more" "God doesn't give you anything more than you can handle" "He's in a better place now"

I know God is here, I know he will always be here. But the closer June 24th gets, the closer it gets to one year...the more the anger returns. And that's okay. If I have learned one thing on my journey it is this...Anger is okay. Anger means your are taking steps to heal. And anger is what I feel today. I still need my support. I still need people to help me. Because this is Still. Not. Over.