One Year

This day (I’m writing this on the 24^th) has been on my mind for quite some time. Mostly because I wasn’t sure how I would handle it, what it would bring up inside me, and if it would set my healing back.  The answers: I handled it by declaring this the Weekend of Me, it obviously brought a lot of memories and emotions to the surface, and if anything, it propelled my healing forward.

My bad days weren’t the 23^rd and 24^th like I thought they would be. They were actually the 21^st and 22^nd…Thursday and Friday. Last year the 24^th was on Friday. So Thursday night was not so good. The crawling up in a ball and convulsively crying type of night. I felt suffocated by being inside my little cottage so I went to the beach and stayed there until the tidal wave leveled out and I felt like I could go to sleep. I kept looking at the clock recalling what had happened at each moment.  That was also suffocating so I drank a bottle of wine and watched the preliminary Olympic trials for men’s synchronized diving…man those guys are good.

So after a rough Thursday and Friday I felt like I needed a better plan for the weekend. That’s when I declared the Weekend of Me where I would do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and however I wanted. This isn’t much different from how I live my life after Kevin died anyway because I have adapted the survival method of doing what makes me happy for the next second, minute, hour, etc. This time, however, I would spend more money and go big.

So Saturday I got a peppermint pedicure and deep tissue massage, ate crab for lunch, went to the movies, ate lots of buttery popcorn, and watched the sunset on the beach at Buzzard's Bay in front of my cozy little cottage.

Today I took the ferry to Nantucket and had a surprisingly great time.

I rented a scooter and drove around the entire island stopping at a few random beaches to take in the rays of the beautiful day and snap some pictures.  For those of you who have never been on a scooter scooting around an island I highly recommend it…I dare you to be sad on a scooter traveling from beach to beach surrounded by beauty.

Beach on the South Shore

The last beach I stopped at was Wauwinet Beach. It is located near the very tip of the north shore and very private. The only beach goers are hotel guests or the rich people renting the enormous vacation houses.

As I was walking to the beach I noticed a couple perfectly shaped and completely intact shells. As I got closer to the beach I noticed there were hundreds just like it. So I did what any sensible person from a state that doesn’t border the ocean and rarely sees one would do…I started gathering as many of those suckers as I could. The only shells I have seen this perfect were from souvenir stores. Any other beach I’ve been on have either been picked by those souvenir stores or the shells are broken by the thousands of tourists that sit on the beach each summer.

I came to two conclusions 1) the people going to this beach are so rich that they scoff at the idea of bringing home a simple sea shell to their home, or 2) the beach is nationally protected and you aren’t supposed to remove the shells.  I’m gonna go with #1 just to make myself feel better.  At least I got some great gifts for Kevin’s nieces and nephew : )

 Wauwinet Beach

All in all, they day was full of beauty. I reveled in the fact that it’s been one year since my life was shattered into a million pieces yet I’m still here. My life has changed by an incredibly tragic event…yet I am still able to see good, to see hope, and to see joy. Everyday I get up and I move forward to honor him.

 Beach on South Shore

 Sankaty Lighthouse

Houses at Sconset Beach

 

 Steps Beach

 Steps Beach

 Scare Crow made of beach items at Steps Beach

 Kevin graciously let me do everything I wanted for our wedding, he only had one request...strawberry filling in our cake...so granted him that one wish. To honor him, I had some strawberry ice cream by the harbor before my ferry headed back to the Cape.

 I didn’t see any dragonfly’s today but I feel like even though my chances of seeing one were dramatically increased simply by being close to water, Kevin was still sending me a message. I feel like the whole day he was telling me “You don’t need me today…you got this all on your own babe.”