The first seconds

I've heard it many many times. A saying that is supposed to comfort those consumed by sadness, grief, hopelessness...etc. A saying that is meant give the griever...a saying that was meant to give me...hope that the second year will not be so bad.

"After one year the holidays, anniversary's, and special days will not be as bad and you will smile and remember the good memories"

Well, this is the first second holiday. He was not here for July 4th, 2011. This was the first holiday I had to endure without him, and this is the second time around for it. I woke up with the anticipation that it would be a good day. Even though my friends and family could not be here, I had high hopes that I could still experience happiness on this day unlike last year...I was sadly mistaken.

Shortly after I woke up I was consumed by anxiety, sadness, memories...by the reality that I could no longer say...last year Kevin was alive for this.

I've had some pretty big swings since the one year date but all in all it's been pretty good. My mom and her best friend Carol visited from Idaho. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to talk to an actual person during dinner instead of have a conversation with myself in my head. We hit the town and toured cape cod from the canal to P-Town,

Went to Martha's Vineyard

 and experienced a little bit of Boston in the mix

And despite my extreme stage fright and fear of public humiliation...I was picked by the street performer to assist him in his act

It was a great trip and much needed visit from my Idaho life to remind me of what I'm here for, and what I have to look forward to when I return.

And then there is today. A holiday dedicated to spending time with family and friends and I am here alone.  Although Kevin and I only actually spent one 4th together (two weeks after we started dating) because he was always either on a fire or working late to in case something went array with the locals shooting of fireworks where they weren't supposed to. It is still a holiday. And it still sucks. Despite what people may have told me...I have a feeling those people have never experienced tragedy before because the second year STILL sucks. 

There is one huge difference between today and July 4th, 2011: I know it will get better. I am a professional griever at this point and I know what I can do and how to handle these unexpected, out of the blue, no good, anxiety ridden, sadness filled days. 

I listen to myself. I give myself a break. I get through the day moment by moment. I read inspiring books or blogs. I eat junk food because it makes me happy for the moment. I drink wine because it eases the pain just a little. I remind myself of what I do have and I am blessed that I am still here living for the both of us. 

I was feeling particularly sorry for myself just a few hours ago so I decided to walk into town with my camera to try and capture the essence of the 4th in Onset, MA. There was also a band playing so I thought it would be a good way to relax and take in the moment. I decided to take the long way around so I could walk next to the water when I was stopped in my tracks. There are memorial benches all around Onset and I have never really stopped to look at any of them until now. I just happened to glance down and the last possible moment and saw this: 

 

 If you look to the horizon, the possibilities are endless...

I really needed that dragonfly today, to remind me that he is still with me on the hard days and he is still so proud of me. I also needed the little reminder that I can do anything I put my mind to...that my possibilities are still endless.