Cassie Deitz...someone I consider a close friend and author of a very powerful blog...wrote about the exact song and emotions that overcame me yesterday. Her post was titled Higher Love. This happened to me as I was driving through incredibly beautiful country from Manchester, NH to Burlington, VT. Growing up in Idaho I saw beautiful country everywhere...my favorite place in world still is and always will be Stanley, ID and the majestic land that surrounds the hidden lakes, winding rivers, and towering mountains. New England, however, posses it's own beauty with endless miles of rolling hills (technically they are mountains here but that is a far stretch considering I come from a very mountainous state and have seen the Colorado Rockies up close and personal).
I put my iPod on "driving music." This is my playlist I created for the long drives I normally take during my weekend adventures of exploring New England these days. Last year at this time I was lucky to get out of my apartment to see the light of day. My poor Scottie dog, Belle, learned that she was probably only going to get 3 potty breaks a day...4 at the most, but was still a perfect little companion for me during my dark days. Around month 4 and 5 I started to get a little more energy to venture out but by that time it was late fall moving into Winter. The sun started to go down around 3pm...not exactly ideal for an active griever who denied themselves daylight for 4 months and finally wanted to feel it on their skin.
Anyway...back to the play list. This playlist is an eclectic mix from Paralyzer by Finger Eleven, to Proud Mary by Creedance Clearwater Revival. I put alot of high energy songs mixed with some in which I knew every word to...(there may have been some Backstreet Boys and 'NSYNC but that is neither here nor there). I was rock’in along and enjoying this beautiful ride when Higher Love by James Vincent McMorrow came on.
When I first read Cassie's post I listened to this song over and over and over again. As she mentions in her post, we have all heard this song in it's original version by Steve Winwood. This version, however, seems to bring an entire new meaning to the song. I immediately started crying. Not the ugly cry that would have made me pull over and wait for the wave to pass. This was more of a "I really really really miss Kevin cry, I miss my best friend and just want to talk to him and tell him all the new things in my life cry, the holy shit....it's been over a year since I have heard his real voice cry." I feel like this song has so many levels in it. The lyrics talk love and suffering;
Think about it, there must be higher love
Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above
Without it, life is wasted time
Look inside your heart, I'll look inside mine
Things look so bad everywhere
In this whole world, what is fair?
We walk blind, we try to see
Falling behind in what could be
Until Kevin died I didn't truly experience love and suffering so intensely at the same time. Sure I've broken up with boyfriends in the past and felt that "pain" before. But after I met Kevin I knew that I never truly loved another before because my love for him was different...it was the real deal.
Worlds are turning and we're just hanging on
Facing our fear and standing out there alone
A yearning, and it's real to me
There must be someone who's feeling for me
Things look so bad everywhere
In this whole world, what is fair?
We walk blind, we try to see
Falling behind in what could be
At this point in my journey I feel like this whole verse is referring to widow/ers. The people who just "get it." These words are so true to how I feel everyday.
I will wait for it I'm not too late for it
Until then, I'll sing my song
To cheer the night along
Bring it...
I could light the night up with my soul on fire
I could make the sun shine from pure desire
Let me feel that love come over me
Let me feel how strong it could be
I feel like the love in these two verses is a self love at this point. A love that I lost the day Kevin died (in addition to losing the love of my life) and have slowly been getting it back day by day. "Let me feel that love come over me, Let me feel how strong it could be," this is the self love I am waiting for again. I feel glimpses of if everyday...I feel my smile...my real smile...that I so desperately miss again. It is slow, but it is coming again...my Higher Love.
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