It seems like anyone and everyone around me has a story about someone who is getting married, buying a house, or having a baby. Although these are very joyous occasions in anyone's life, I find it hard to be "totally" happy for them at this point in my journey. I remember when I got engaged and couldn't wait to shout it from the roof top. I think I called anyone and everyone I knew because I was so excited. We were so excited. I think I had my wedding planned in my head since I was 5 so it only took about two weeks for it all to fall in place. Of course I had to ask Daddy for the budget...but it all worked out even better than I ever expected. I got the wedding, but now I'm left with only dreaming about what our first house would look like, or if our first baby would have been a boy or girl.

When I hear about those joyous occasions I have learned how to put on my "happy face." Which only partly a lie. I DO feel happy for them...but I also feel very sad and cheated for myself and Kevin. We were only married 1 year, 10 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days. Our together was incredible, but it was also incredibly short. Sometimes hearing of joyous occasions is not so rough. But then there are days like today when the roller coaster has unexpectedly taken a dive and for some reason those losses sting just a little bit more. I know I will not always have to fake the "happy face," but at this point it is hard to tell what I will have to do in the next month, 6 months, or even a year.

Shortly after we got married we went to Target to spend all our gift cards. It was one of my best memories with Kevin. Rolling around the store laughing about all the crazy things we could buy. He wanted this giant coffee thermos and I thought he was joking because a)he rarely made coffee in the morning and b)people would make fun of him with a mug like that. However, he was totally serious and thus we purchased the hideous mug that was used a total of 2 times the year we lived in Boise. There was one purchase that we made that is very special to me today. It's a baby names book. I remember pointing to it as we walked by and (again) jokingly said we should buy it. He grabbed it off the shelf and said "I agree" and kissed me. We would lay awake for hours laughing about names and coming up with the nicknames other kids would call them. Those are memories that still make me smile.

The picture above was taken the day after our wedding by our "Just Married" car.