I feel like school put me in survival mode because I knew I had to put my head down and dig. I am now one day away from being done with the first year and it is starting to become very, very real. Every time I have come home since Kevin's death I have been on a mission..had to complete some sort of task. This time I am just coming home to "be." To be in the moment and fully aware of my reality. And my reality really sucks. This should be a celebratory time for me...I survived the first year of PA school! But I don't see it that way...I only see it as I am finally able to grieve. That is very scary to me because I don't know what's to come. Will it be worse than the beginning? I feel like I am apart of some imaginary ball of string gradually unwinding and with every pull it gets closer and closer to the core.

This song by Hilary Weeks is called Beautiful Heartbreak and it is so inspiring. I listen to it often.  I know there are people who have suffered extreme heartbreak and have come out with a beautiful story in the end. Those people give me so much hope on my darkest days.