Weekends Are the Hardest

Weekends definitely bring up the most emotion.  We would always sleep in and then contemplate what we would do for the day.  Kevin loved to golf and he was (as usual) good at it.  He was just as even tempered on the golf course as he was in everyday life.  Kevin rarely got worked up or angry and I loved that about him.  If he sliced a ball way into the weeds he would shrug his shoulders and hit another one, then he would go find the one he sliced.  He always tried to help me with my consistent 90* hook to the right.  The picture is of the last time we went golfing together.  It was in Alturas last fall.

It does help to take my mind off of things and distract myself from reality, but reality always prevails in the end.  Sometimes it is hard to breathe because I can't believe that he never will again.  Finals are fast approaching and I know that I need to start studying but it is extremely hard to focus.  We are studying orthopedics right now which I normally would be very interested in but my mind could not be further from the class room.  Hopefully I will find the motivation to keep my nose in a book soon.  As for now, I will continue to think about golfing on the weekends....among other things.

Yesterday was a good day.  I thought a lot about when we first met and how I loved his eyes and smile.  He was the first one to help me clean and run my chainsaw when I started on the fire crew.  I never thought anything of it until I started to want him to help me more just so I could flirt with him.  This morning was a little tough.  I had a good workout with some friends and it made me think of when we would work out together.  He was always so tough and worked so hard.  He was always good at everything and it use to make me so mad because he would always beat me without even trying.  It didn't matter what sport we would play, he would beat me.  Then he would kiss me and tell me he loved me so I wouldn't be mad at him.  I miss that.

Life Starts Here

I have never been a fan of blogging but since I know many family and friends are wondering what and how I am doing since Kevin passed away I have decided to start one.  I don't always feel like answering phone calls or calling back and I take life day by day I figure this would be a good way to write about how I am doing and how my day is going.  Just to give an idea of what life has been like: an emotional roller coaster.  That's about all I can describe it as.  It's been a month and the lows far outweigh the highs.  The highs are not very high, and the lows are pretty low.  But...I have some pretty amazing friends back here and I couldn't ask for anything more.  Alot of people say they don't know what to say to me so many people don't say anything.  It's better to talk to me than to ignore me.  It's better to look me in the eye and acknowledge my deep loss than to pretend it doesn't exist.  Sometimes when I say Kevin's name it's like the black plague entered the room.  I want people to be okay with talking about him, and I want people to know it's better to remember what an amazing man he was, rather than just ignore the fact that he is gone.  I miss him more than I thought possible, I still love him more than ever, and I will always remember his wonderful smile that could make a rainy day seem like sunshine.