It was been an extremely emotional and exhausting  week. I feel like I am climbing an unpredictable mountain that has never been charted before. Some days are steep and it's hard to even get my footing, then someday I feel like I hit a small plateau and I'm able to enjoy the sun for a moment, then there are the holidays and special anniversary days.  On those days...and sometimes the whole week I feel like I am climbing the steepest part of the mountain while a storm also rages. Thanksgiving was definitely that time. I knew this would be hard from the beginning but somehow it seemed much harder than I anticipated. It was really hard for me to be thankful for anything this year. Which is not true. I am thankful for my amazing support system. Kevin and I have great friends and family that have been nothing but supportive and have helped me through this tragic time. I am also thankful for the love that I shared with Kevin and how loved he made me feel. I wouldn't take back a single day I ever had with him.

The pictures are from Thanksgiving last year. It was Kevin and I's first time hosting dinner so the pressure was on! We tried out recipes for weeks before so everything was perfect. We had a turkey baked in the oven and a deep fried turkey. Putting the turkey in the fryer was the main event of the day. I think everybody in the house gathered around to watch. When he lowered the turkey in...nothing happened. He stuck his finger in the oil and said "oops...I guess I should have turned the heater on first," then smiled with his goofy grin and laughed. I miss that laugh.

With Thanksgiving fast approaching I am reminded of the all the ones I spent with Kevin. The first year was the only one we spent apart. We were always with his family on the next three years. First at his parents, then in Modesto with his sister and beautiful nieces and nephew, and last year was our turn. We were in Alturas at a rental home and Kevin had made a fence for Duke and Belle that we "thought" was good enough to keep them in. The week before Thanksgiving I came home from work to find a note on our door that read:

Dear Neighbors,

Our seven year old caught your dog mauling our Tom turkey this morning. The turkey did not survive and we are now missing the other turkey and some chickens. Please contact us as soon as possible.

I was mortified! I called Kevin almost in tears. The neighbors had put Duke and Belle back in the back yard and fixed the hole they escaped out of. When I looked in the back yard all I could see was a pile of feathers. I know Duke was not the only culprit because Belle had a tiny feather stuck to her nose and looked at me like "what the hell did I do?" When Kevin got home we went to the neighbors and they were very gracious. It turns out, Duke ate the turkey that was supposed to feed their church congregation for Thanksgiving dinner. Again...I was mortified. Their only request was that we replace the turkey with a frozen one for their church. To make matters EVEN worse...the woman was 9 months pregnant and being induced in 2 days. I was so embarrassed for my animal children that behaved so badly! Kevin and I went strait to the grocery store and bought the biggest turkey we could find...unfortunately due to the astronomical prices in the small town store, the turkey was $40!!! We paid like 1/6 that when we shopped two days later in Kalamath Falls, OR! 

I have been very blessed to find a great support group in Manchester while I am here. It is an eight week program that focuses on different stages of grief and how to manage them throughout this journey. It is not just for widows and widowers which I thought I would not like at first. How could somebody who hasn't lost their spouse truly relate to what I am going through? I was very wrong. I can relate to every person in that group somehow or someway and I wish the group could go on forever. I feel like I have gotten to know each of their loved ones through them and my heart breaks for each of them. I wish I would never have to know about this group, I wish I would never have had to seek out help in the first place...but I'm glad I did. I miss Kevin so much everyday. The more time that passes the more I cannot grasp that I will never get to talk to him again. If I have learned anything through going to a support group it is that every person grieves in their own unique way. What helps one person, may not help another at all. What makes one person feel at peace may bring another into depression and tears. Someday I hope to lead a support group and guide others through this journey and help others see how they are not alone.

Monday night football...Vikings vs. Packers. The only time I would root against the Vikings with Kevin was when they would play the Green Bay. He was always such a grouch after Minnesota lost and was in the best mood when they won. One of the best vacations he ever took was with my dad and brothers for their "guys trip." It was the year after Favre was traded to the Vikings and the game was at Lambeau field. When he found out they were going he tried to be so cool about it, like it was no big deal but he was skipping around like a little girl underneath. He was a Vikings fan his whole life and this was THE game to go to. He had such a great time. He talked about it for a year and was so grateful my dad and brothers were able to share that with him. The only thing that would have made it perfect for him is if his dad and brothers had been able to share it with him also. He loved his family...he loved my family.

The pictures are at Lambeau field on October 5, 2009.
Green Bay 23
Vikings     30

Two years ago today my beautiful Aunt Brenda went home to God. She was an inspiration to me in so many ways and continues to push me to succeed in every way. I miss her more now than ever. She would help me through this time, she would tell me push on, she would tell me that someday it won't hurt so bad. I now have Uncle Mitch telling me those things. He knows, he understands, and he gets every part of what I am going through. Today he text me a Bible verse that I needed so badly. I know if he can do it, I can do it. The image of Kevin and Aunt Brenda welcoming us one day is a peaceful image.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18: Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us and eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

This picture was taken at her house for my bridal portraits. I told her I wanted a picture of her and I and she said "okay, wait a minute and I'll get my dress on." Fifteen minutes later she came out with her the wedding dress she had worn 34 years prior in her wedding. It was like it was no big deal...doesn't everybody have their wedding dress hanging in their closet "just in case?" It was classic Brenda. I am so blessed to have this photo with her.

Love you and miss you Aunt Brenda!

Today has been a low day. I have an exam tomorrow which always brings a higher level of stress, but all I want to do today is hear his voice telling me everything will be okay. All the stages have come full force today...anger, guilt, denial...they're all here. I had to leave class today for the first time since my birthday. The thing is, I was waiting for this. It's like I had too many good days in a row and I knew that was abnormal. It started on Saturday and the days have progressively gotten worse until I hit my breaking point today. I don't want to talk to anyone, talking about anything but Kevin just pisses me off because that is the only thing on my mind. Right now I could careless about my test, but I absolutely have to do well on it. My grade matters and somehow I have to pull my head out of the darkness and attempt to focus...just for the rest of the day. These are the days I need Kevin so badly...but if he were here...I wouldn't be having these days.

We lit memorial candles today in church. I tried to hide the tears welling up while waiting to line to light mine and set it with the others. As I was waiting in line an older woman passed me while on her way to her seat and I saw a shimmer of light come from her jacket. As I looked down I almost completely lost it...it was a beautiful crystal dragonfly pin. My blog from August 23rd will explain what dragonflys mean to me. They have become a way for Kevin to tell me he sees me and hears when I talk to him (I talk to him often), and that he is always with me. He knew at that moment how hard it was for me to be so alone lighting a candle for him, instead of having him right next to me lighting a candle for others. That candle was also lit for my Aunt Brenda and Grandpa Harold. I know they are all together in heaven and our time on this earth is temporary until we are joined together again. At times that thought is comforting, and other times it still makes me angry. Kevin should still be here with me. I shouldn't be lighting a candle in his memory. But...I know that is what I do now. I love him, I remember him, I honor him.

Thanks for the dragonfly babe, I needed it today.

I ran out of gas today. Yes I know it was dumb but what are ya gonna do? The gas gauge in my car broke 3 days before our wedding and there was no way in hell I was going to take my car in and get it fixed considering the crazy amount of errands I had to run that whole week. Then...3 days after we got married, the warranty ran out. I have done fairly well resetting the trip meter and when it reaches around 300 I know I should be stopping for gas sometime in the near future (it goes to 330). Well...I ran out of gas on a busy exit on mile 299. I had a friend with me and she stayed in the car while I walked to the gas station, filled a little red gallon tank, and walked back to the car. The whole escapade took about 20 minutes and no harm done. It wasn't until after I got in the car that the water works started. It wasn't the fact that I ran out of gas...it only took me 20 minutes before I was on my way. It was the fact that I couldn't call Kevin and tell him about it that made the wave of grief hit me like tsunami. It was the fact that I couldn't hear him laugh at me, tell me he's glad I'm okay, and then laugh at me some more about it that was so incredibly hard. It is small things like this that make a fairly okay day turn into a curl up on the couch and not get up day. I am going to force myself to go out with some friends and hopefully it will wash over...I would give anything to hear his laugh again.

As time continues and there are more and more seconds, minutes, hours, days, and now months since the last time I saw Kevin or heard his voice, I feel like my memories are getting so foggy. Some people say this is normal, that it happened to them also and sometime after 6-8 months, the memories returned with crisp clarity. I feel like I have to look at pictures to remember anything anymore. That's one thing I loved about Kevin, he never complained when I wanted to take pictures...and I took alot of them so it was nice that he was always prepared with his endless smile. The picture above was taken on our honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. We caught tuna and some other type of fish that we kept and gave to our hotel to prepare for us. They brought out this feast with fish they had cooked several different ways, it was amazing! The chef prepared it for free and Kevin could not believe that somebody would do that for us so he tracked down the chef and gave him a 20$ tip. Kevin had the biggest smile on his face the whole time, it was such a great night. It is memories like this that I love to think about. I miss him so much and I will cherish these memories forever.