It has been a challenging week thus far. I feel like I am emotionally and physically drained from running from patient to patient and merely trying to keep up with the crazy world of medicine. To say that school has been challenging since Kevin died is definitely an understatement. I know that he is right there with me, cheering me on and telling me it's all going to be worth it in the end...but it is so much harder without him here to say that to me on earth. I did get a wonderful dragonfly sign today...a day that has definitely been one of the hardest. I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown when the receptionist/medical assistant from the office bent over just enough that I could see a beautiful dragonfly tattoo on her side. I immediately felt at peace that he would help me through the rest of the day. The breakdown came when I was on my way home and I needed more than a dragonfly...I needed him.

I know I will have these days...it's only been 8 months!! But it is still defeating and draining on every level. I feel like it will get better the closer it gets to summer. When I can get home before it gets dark outside and take a short drive to the ocean and let the waves calm me down. I miss golfing. I miss going to the driving range and hitting a ball as hard as I can and not caring what happens to it. I miss the fresh summer air. I know there will come a day when I don't think about not coming home to Kevin after a long hard day at work...but those days are not here yet.

Today was surprisingly a pretty good day. I felt like Kevin was sending me all really interesting patients that had so many great issues for me to look at, listen to, and do things with. It has been my most involved day since I started on the 13th. I'm sure he knew I needed him to give me something to occupy my mind on his birthday.

I sent red balloons filled with Forget-Me-Not flowers to heaven. I found a beautiful spot on the river in Waterville, Maine...a place he would have liked.  I think the best part of my day was having people either send me pictures or post pictures on facebook of them sending red balloons to heaven also.  Everytime I saw a new one it made me smile! Everyday I feel a little stronger, but on these days, the days that we were supposed to be celebrating with him on earth...it is really nice to have that extra help to let me know I am not alone in this.

Kevin hated when people would make a fuss over him, or do anything to put the spotlight on him so I'm sure he was blushing with all the love shown to him on his 25th birthday. He also took a lot of pride in doing great things for others and today I know he was all around us and beaming with the amount of love that was shown to him.

I see patients in a very different light than I did before Kevin died and I feel very blessed to have an open heart again to see the wonderful things that others can teach me. For a long time I felt very isolated, like my pain was the only pain in the world and everything else revolved around it. I do feel that way at times, but my eyes...and heart...are so much more open to the world and the pain that people go through every day. Even though Kevin never went through anything extremely life changing, I always felt like he saw the world from a different view. He was so kind, compassionate, and forgiving that I feel so blessed just to have had the opportunity to know him. He loved to have fun, he loved to smile, but most of all...he went out of his way so that others could have fun and smile right along with him. That is what we should all strive to do in our lives.

Happy Birthday Babe!!

Another. Hard. Day.

I was just going to ignore this day, pretend it was just like any other day...but the world does not work like that on a day that is devoted to love.

It all started in the morning on the drive to my rotation.  I am finally able to listen to music again and actually find it enjoyable...but not today. Of course every single song had to be about new love, old love, finding love, etc, etc. etc. So I had to turn the radio off. Then there are those stupid hearts and cupids everywhere. People getting flowers and talking the dates their husbands planned for them. My mind was kept busy while I was seeing patients because I feel like a sponge at this point in my education. I just want to learn anything and everything there is to know and I love finally being able to apply what little I do know and learn from all the doctors, PA's, NP's, and nurses I can.  The sadness didn't really hit until it was time to drive home...to nothing.  My valentines day has consisted of sweatpants and leftovers while watching re-runs of Friends. This isn't too terribly bad because it falls in line of forgetting all about this stupid holiday devoted to love.

Last year Kevin took me to Thai food in Boston and then to the Boston Symphony Orchestra. It was perfect. The picture above is my favorite picture of him...I show it to everyone. It was taken the night we celebrated our last Valentine's day together.

Three states in two days...it's been a busy week so far. I landed in Manchester, NH on Wednesday, drove to Worcester, MA to see some great friends that I missed very much, got my stuff out of storage, and drove to Waterville, ME. I definitely lucked out finding a place with a classmate because I was ready to just book a motel and pay out the wazoo for the next 5 weeks.

My first rotation is in Skowhegan, ME in women's health. I have mentioned before that it is really hard to be around pregnant women so this rotation has been giving me anxiety since I got my schedule last year. I did shadow my old OB/GYN while I was on my break and I actually really enjoyed it. I was in a situation where the women did not know my story and they were just so happy to be expecting that I couldn't help but be happy for them. It was so exciting to see joy again, even though it is not me experiencing the joy.

I haven't shared any dragonfly stories lately, but I have seen them in the times and exact places that I needed them the most. Yesterday the secretary of my school (AKA Ms. Dexter, AKA Wonder woman) gave me a beautiful dragonfly necklace with amethyst (Kevin's birthstone) on it. It was a perfect welcome back gift and dragonfly to start my new adventure this year.

Three years ago today in this exact spot, Kevin asked me to be his wife. I decided to snow shoe up to this place today. It is amazing what details you remember from such a special day. It was a beautiful day and it was an amazing last day in Idaho. Tomorrow I will be on a plane back to the east, and back to school. I think I am finally ready to tackle my clinical year with the same focus and drive I had last year when Kevin was by my side.

As I walked on the same trail, wearing the same sweatshirt, and breathing the same air we did three years ago, I began to think about what has happened in the the last three years to bring me back to this same spot. In three years I got engaged, married, finished pre-requisites for PA school, moved to California, got into PA school, moved to the east coast, lost the love of my life, and finished my first year of PA school. As I looked at the beautiful mountains and my beautiful ring three years ago, all I could think about was how happy I was and how excited for Kevin and I's future I was.

My future now is much different now. I still have a hard time making plans for anything in the future past about a week. My life was shattered so drastically in an instant that I know how heartbreaking it can be to make plans, and have them taken away so cruelly. We had our whole lives in front of us, we hadn't even begun to realize the possibilities of future. I live life so differently now. I truly believe every day is a gift and an opportunity to learn and grow. Kevin taught me that also, I just didn't learn the lesson fully until he was gone. 

I plan on going back to that place every year. I may not always be able to make it on February 7th, but I will always make it.

Sometimes I feel like I should be in a mental institution when it comes to the unpredictability of my emotions. This has always been an up and down ride, but the difference between now and 7 months ago is that I am more aware of life in general. Sometimes the crying spells are just as intense...but don't last as long. Sometimes they are not as intense...but last longer. Some days I don't cry at all, and days (like today), I cry off and on all day. It may be a certain trigger...or it may be that the water wasn't hot enough in the shower. That is why I feel like a crazy person. I have no control over what will happen at any given moment and most of the time I am completely unprepared for it.

I use to be somewhat of a control freak in my professional life. With school or work...I liked to get things right and often worried for hours, or even days if something had gone wrong. My house was always competely different. I will let dishes, laundry, or housework build up until I absolutely have to do something about it. I think that was my balance. I would go from one extreme to the other. However, now, I feel like I have no control over either aspect of my life. I recently went to "We Bought a Zoo" (another great movie for those of you who haven't seen it). There is a scene in the movie where the widower tries to explain why his behavior is all over the place and he tries to explain his grief by saying "I just can't get a handle on it."

That's exactly how I feel at this point. I'm all over the place and I just can't seem to get a handle on things.

The picture above was taken on our Honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. I thought he looked so cute and told him I was going to take a picture so he panicked and picked up two rolls on the table and held them up. After I took the picture he said "I just didn't know what to do with my hands" and laughed like it was a big deal that I just wanted to take a picture of him. I loved his smile.