Carry On

I've finally made it back to the potato state. I was actually home on Monday but have been busy enjoying my family (mostly my 4 year old energetic/imaginative/awesome niece). It was a long road (pun intended) but I'm finally here.  I was so happy when I finally hit the rockies and had something besides flat, desolate land to look at for the remainder of my drive.  Unfortunately the roads were still pretty bad so I had to bypass Kevin's uncle in Woodland Park and head strait to Grand Junction on I-70 to stay with my brother. The road took me through Denver where I stopped at an American Indian taco joint called Tacobe.  It was...in Guy's words...off the chain! I had the marinated chicken taco with fresh made fry dough topped off with hominy sauce, green chile stew, lettuce, tomatoes, and cheese. 

After enjoying my delicous lunch I headed to Grand Junction and enjoyed a view like this and better the whole way.

Because my brother lives in CO,  I've only seen him about 3 times in the last two years because time was very short on my limited trips home from school. It's a good feeling to know that I have some pretty awesome family to come home to. And since we are both nerds I thought is was appropriate to show our nerdiness together.

On the final stretch back to Idaho I stopped at a pretty amazing sandwich shop...which I will definitely be returning to. It's called Moochies Meatballs. I had a meatball sub made with pork sausage and beef meatballs drenched in the best marinara sauce I've ever tasted with melted provolone cheese all wrapped in a toasted blanket of delicious bread. I was actually so hungry that I forgot to take a picture of the sandwich but here is one of the place.

Finally making it home is a very bitter/sweet feeling for me. When I left Idaho over two years ago I never would have imagined I would be returning alone.  I am so happy to be done with school and so sad that Kevin is not here to celebrate this with me. I know he is so proud of where I am today...and what my future has in store for me, but the feeling of missing him will never go away. One of the songs I listened to on repeat was "Carry On" by Fun and my favorite line in the song is "May the past be the sound of your feet upon the ground." This is so true. No matter how much I miss him, no matter how much I want him here with me to start this new life...I have to keep moving, keep living,and keep carrying on not just for me...but for him.  

I keep this dragonfly on my review mirror to remind me that he is always in my past and will forever be in my future. As long as I keep looking forward...It's okay to look back once in a while to remember what an amazing husband and friend I had on this earth. 

The Fly Over States

I'm beginning to see the flaw in my decision to drive...Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Kansas. Holy boooooring states! No offense AK, OK, and KS...but would it kill you to grow a hill?

After leaving Nashville, I decided to drive through Memphis and stop at one of Triple D's  fried chicken features, Uncle's Lou's. I'm usually not a fan of fried chicken but it looked pretty amazing and I couldn't resist.  The place looked a little sketch town from the outside. It was located in a strip mall and surrounded by other "businesses" that were probably being surveillanced by the FBI or DEA. 

There were about 15 employees who all looked extremely similar...probably offspring or relatives of Uncle Lou...who were all roaming from table to table with a giant grins asking his patrons if they liked their fried juicy goodness. I figured the food must be pretty good because it looked as though all the employees ate there on a regular basis...like every meal. Either that, or there is a "you must weigh 300 lbs to work here" rule. The chicken was definitely as advertised on Triple D.

Unfortunately, I don't know anybody in the stretch from Nashville to Woodland Park, CO where I planned to stay with Kevin's Uncle Mike and Aunt Lynn so I stopped at a cozy little hotel in Tulsa. The diners, drive-ins, and dives were pretty scarce in this part of the country but I found one in Wichita, KS called Brint's Diner. There is not much to report about this place other than it was my first below average meal in the last 4 days.  I had a chicken salad that I'm pretty sure my four year old niece could have made better. If you plan to stop through Wichita anytime soon...don't go out of your way to seek this place out.

I woke up refreshed and ready for the last half of my drive and only family to see ahead of me...I also woke up to a snow storm. I was really hoping to make it to Woodland Park tonight but was stopped about 4 hours short (along with every other person traveling east or west on I-70) in Colby, KS.  The interstate had shut down and I was scrambling to find a place for the night. I stopped at 6 hotels until finally I snagged the last room in the last hotel of the town at Motel 8. 

As I was checking in the hotel manager suggested I eat at Mountain Mike's across the street before it started to get really busy from all the people forced to take refuge in the small town. My heart sank. I was immediately taken back to several conversations about one of Kevin's favorite places called Mountain Mike's. This place always came up in conversation about the best pizza he had ever had. He told me about it so many times that I just gave up on telling him "yes babe, you already told me that story" and let him tell it just one more time. I'm pretty sure this is not the same Mountain Mike's as this was a steakhouse and not a pizza place, but I couldn't help but think he had a hand in directing me to this town for safe refuge from the blizzard and in getting the last hotel room. Otherwise I would be sleeping on a hardwood floor with several other people in some community shelter for the night.

I had jumbo mushroom caps stuffed with a blend of cream cheese, cheddar cheese and ranch seasoning, dipped in crunchy breadcrumbs and crispy fried, served with creamy horseradish sauce, and a bacon wrapped 8 oz. filet mignon with steamed broccoli and a loaded baked potato. And no I did not eat all of it...I had left overs for when I would be trapped in my hotel room in the middle of a blizzard in the middle of nowhere.

I decided to treat myself (yes I know I've been treating myself this whole time) but this meal was a little different. I am now traveling on the exact road he and I traveled the first time.  I wish I could travel back in time and have him here with me forever but I am forever grateful to have the amazing memories with him.

 Here is a pic of one of our many pit stops along the way.

Nashville

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I may have found my new home. I love Nashville. The food, the people, the music...it's all great. Nashville was never even a city I was interested in seeing, it was just a far off place where country music is born and that's it. Until now, I've never even known anybody who lives here to consider it a place to visit.

I met Mark Smeby through one of my many journey's the last two years. He is very talented Christian/inspirational singer/song writer and also has a blog. He interviewed another widow friend of mine and me and wrote a great article about going through the holidays after enduring a significant loss (the articles are here and here).  As I was planning my trip home I thought it would be a great time to drive slightly out of the way and visit Nashville.  It was an awesome decision and I will definitely be visiting again…maybe for good.

Mark took me to the Loveless Café and I think it may have ruined Southern food for me forever. It was incredible. My mouth started salivating before the car even came to a stop. The aroma coming from the smokehouse was enough to bring me to the edge and my first bite of BBQ smoked pulled pork sent me over. The combination of the pork, hash brown casserole, creamed corn, and homemade biscuits with blackberry jam put this meal into one of my top 3 favorite meals of all time. It may not look like much, but in this case…looks are very, very deceiving. 

And in keeping with the Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives spirit, we headed over to Bro’s Cajun Cuisine before our food could even settle to meet their 3pm closing time. This place definitely fit the description of a “dive” but we proceeded with caution.

We were still semi bursting from the seams from our BBQ but decided to share the 1lb platter of crawfish.  I’ve never had crawfish before, and I’m not even sure if we ate it right, but it was still a delicious (and spicy) taste of a true Louisiana traditional dish from a chef who definitively knows what he is doing. 

We met up with some of Mark's friends and enjoyed some brew at another local bar and grill with fried catfish, mac and cheese, baked beans, and BBQ pork nachos...another amazing meal. I'm beginning to think I need to throw in a salad or two here and there just to make sure I don't have a heart attack in the middle of nowhere on my drive. 

We ended the night hoping from one honky tonk to another listening to some great live country and rock music from the people who know how to do it right. Kevin would have loved everything about this place (especially the BBQ). Thank you Nashville (and my tour guide Mark of course)...I will be returning.

The Drive Home

I haven't written in this blog for quite a while because...well...I thought I was done writing in this blog. My last post was about my graduation, my chapter two, the start to this new life that I hated so much in the beginning. This new life that I have now fully embraced and intend on making every minute worth living. Even though I had moved back to Idaho I still had my car, while most of what little belongings I have left, were still in New Hampshire. I was going to ship my car back in order to avoid the long, long lonely drive.

The drive that Kevin and I made together started on December 31st, 2010.  When I began to reminisce about that drive I had only good...no great...memories of that drive. Yes, he drove about 98% of it, but we did it together. I downloaded a "family car games" app on my (then) new iPhone and challenged each other with stakes like "do my laundry or make me dinner for a week." We stayed with my brother in Grand Junction, CO and were in bed by 10pm on New Year's Eve only to wake up at midnight for our New Year's kiss. At this point, celebrating the new year wasn't a big deal, I didn't need to make resolutions, I didn't need to vow that 2011 would be a better year because I already had it all. I was starting school to become a PA in 5 days and had the love of my life sleeping next to me...life was incredible at that point. At that point my mind could not fathom that 2011 would be the worst year of my life and I would have no control over the hell that would crumble my life in 6 months.  This was the first picture of our journey.

The next day (January 1st, 2011) Highway Siruis radio was playing the top 100 country songs of 2010 and that became one of our new games. Each of us got 5 picks that would be in the top 100 and whoever got the least right had to cook the other an elaborate seafood dinner of whatever they chose.  Of course all our silly games became competitive and we took them very serious...but we had a blast. We loved being with each other...even 24 hours a day for 6 days straight was fun. When the countdown approached the #1 song we were tied at 4-4 and then....the last song played. I don't remember what it was but I remember it was his pick. He went crazy. I had to grab the wheel so he didn't drive off the road he was so excited. You would have thought he won the lottery.

Once we got settled in the new apartment we planned the menu and went to Sam's Club to purchase our "elaborate" seafood dinner. The chef in him could not let me prepare such a meal myself and he became more excited than me. We had bacon wrapped scallops, shrimp scampi, and a 7 lb lobster. Yes...7lbs. He saw this monster in the tank and couldn't refuse.

So my point of this entry is...that I had such great memories from that drive and I decided I wanted to make that drive again...even if it meant being alone and doing 100% of the driving myself. I needed this closure from school and a transition point from my old life...to my new one.

I set out on Tuesday (March 19th) with an iPod full of new music and a plan. The first time around we were in somewhat of a hurry and didn't get to enjoy any stops along the way. On our way back (when I was done with school), we were going to stop at Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives (one of his favorite shows) and take our time. So I decided to do this, even though I was alone. But it turns out, I wasn't going to be completely alone.

My first stop was Corey's Catsup and Mustard in Manchester, CT. I took some pictures of my incredible Auntie Laurie's Cheeseburger that had house made Blue Moon mustard, horseradish cheddar, bacon, lettuce, and tomato on a pretzel bun with sweet potato fries and maple mayonnaise.  It. Was. Amazing. I took pictures with my regular camera...but forgot the cord to connect to my computer in Boise. So just take my word for it...it looked amazing and was one of the best burgers I've ever had. Kevin would have loved it.

Then I had the pleasure of visiting a friend from undergrad who is a 2nd year at Pitt dental school. When I arrived I was exhausted and not excited to drive around Pittsburgh at night looking for a place to eat so we ordered pizza and sat around in our PJ's reminiscing about the good ol' days when our biggest worries were a bad test grade in organic chemistry and what we were going to wear out that Saturday night.  When did we become adults?

My next stop on the Triple D tour was Hillbilly Hotdog's in Lesage, WV.  The food was nothing compared to my burger heaven but the atmosphere was a combination of a scene from "The Hills Have Eyes" and the neighborhood junkyard collector who wouldn't hurt a fly. All-in-all it was a great second stop. I got the Coal Miner - deep fried weenie, chilli sauce, mustard, onions, blackening seasonings and garlic ranch fries.

It was a great 24 hours. The long winding road has led me to Nashville for some more adventures. More to come tonight...or tomorrow. Who knows when and where the road will lead me?

The Last Milestone

This post is difficult for me to write for a multitude of reasons, but one reason in particular really hits home. My heart is greatly saddened for the victims of the shooting at the Portland mall and Sandy Hook Elementary school and their families. I know the heartbreaking journey they have already begun and will continue to endure. I offer my deepest condolences and sympathies to the mothers, fathers, spouses, children, siblings, relatives, and friends of those who have suffered such an unspeakable tragedy. Let us not lose hope in humanity and honor those who lost their lives by treating strangers, friends, and family with the respect, dignity, and love we all deserve.

For me, today represents the last milestone that was linked to Kevin and I's life we were supposed to have together. I started school when he was still alive. He became my biggest supporter and cheerleader during the first six months of this intense and difficult program.  I knew he had more faith in me than I had in myself at times. This bitter sweet feeling started on Wednesday, December 5th, which should have been my last day of clinical rotations ever. I took my first two rotations off this year to do what I didn't get a chance to do right after Kevin died...grieve. I was thrown back into life so quickly that I didn't get a chance to breathe until last December, and now I am faced, once again, with the life we will never have.

Wednesday (the 5th) I woke up feeling like it was just another day, nothing special. And then I was slapped very quickly by reality and thrown back into the pit. I tried very hard to be proud of how far I have come and to understand that even though Kevin is not here in the present...his love and support will be apart of my future forever. I went to my school to say hello to a very important person and was greeted with a giant smile, a warm embrace, and of course...a beautiful dragonfly.

 The anxiety and fear quickly left as I felt him instantly with me telling me it's okay...that it will always be okay.

Thursday (the 6th) was our end of rotation seminar and awards ceremony. I was just happy that it was the last day of school for me for at least a month and was definitely not expecting any awards. After Kevin died I had to scrape and claw my way to passing grades so for the first time in my life, I knew there were no honor cords for me. Just before the ceremony started though, I got an unexpected gift from a professor. She leaned down next to me and handed me a dragonfly necklace and said "I saw this and thought of you." My heart skipped a beat...he was there again.

One of the awards presented was called the "Spirit" award. This award was for "a student who, in the eyes of their fellow students, exemplifies the spirit of a dedicated Physician Assistant. The candidate might be someone who has overcome obstacles in their quest to become a PA or someone who has coped with adversity particularly well. It may be someone whose leadership and spirit you admire or it may be someone you feel went above and beyond the call of duty to help fellow students or patients." My name was called and the entire room gave me a standing ovation. I am normally pretty savvy with words...but this feeling was something that I cannot explain. It was the feeling I used to get as I witnessed several standing ovations my Aunt Brenda received and I knew her and Kevin were watching from heaven grinning ear to ear. 

After the awards ceremony I took some much needed R&R and drove to a friends house in Amsterdam, NY for the weekend. I was also greeted there by a very important person, Kevin's little brother, Ian. Long story short, he decided to take a road trip across the country starting in California Thanksgiving day and I guilted him into driving to the New England and coming to my graduation. It was nice to finally have some company during all my travels and adventures for the week before graduation.

I have created this new life without the physical being of Kevin, but I know he has helped me every step of the way. He has shown me through his many strategically placed dragonfly's and unexpected kindness from strangers that he has never left me. I am facing my new life without him by my side and for the first time...I am excited about my future. The tragedy of losing my husband at the age of 26 has given me a lifetime full of sorrow and pain...but it has also given me the gift of appreciating the now more than ever, of knowing that tomorrow is never promised, and to always live and love to the fullest. 

This is my time, this is my chapter two.

Tomorrow is the last day of my surgery rotation. It is also the last time I will move until it's homeward bound to Idaho in April. My last three rotations are in Manchester so I will finally be able to fully unload my car for the first time in about 8 months. I had a great rotation and only had the surgery sweats twice! I actually enjoyed this rotation much more than I thought I would so that was a pleasant surprise.

The last couple days I have been thrown back into the pit. I don't know why, I can't put my finger on the where the intense feelings of anger and sadness are coming from and that makes it even worse. Maybe it was because of the hurricane, or that I am moving for the last time, or that I just watched Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (a very powerfully sad and inspirational movie). Maybe it's because I have stuffed so much so deep that I couldn't contain it anymore. I feel like I have so much that I need to talk about, but I only want to talk about it with him. He's the only person on this earth that knew me better than myself. He knew my crazy. He knew my illogical rationale. But most of all, he knew me wholly and completely. I just miss that so damn much that it is impossible to contain. 

Sometimes I feel like I have made such immense progress and I am proud of where I am. That hasn't gone away, I am still proud...but the grief waves still come crashing done with such power that I can hardly breathe. It is times like this when I miss my "tragedy family." My "tragedy family" are a collection of friends and family scattered throughout the country who have experienced a pain so deep that they never thought life could or would be good again.  I know they get it, I know they will understand the wave that I am talking about. I know they will understand that even though it's been 16 months, it is still intense and it is still incredibly hard.

It's been a minute since I've written on here but as I was thinking about it...that is actually a good thing. This blog has been such a positive outlet for my grief and in the beginning I felt like it was such an important part of my grief work that I wrote in it often. The truth is...I haven't had much to write about in the last month. That actually kind of scares me though, it's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I almost feel like I'm cursing myself by saying that and the weeks to come will now be drowned out by tears, depression, and overwhelming grief. But...maybe the won't.

I have moved...yet again...to Whitefield, NH to start my surgery rotation. I am not necessarily excited about this one.  It seems that no matter how prepared I am when I scrub into a surgery I always get nauseous, clostropobhic, and lightheaded. This has nothing to do with the fact that I am staring at an unconscious human being opened up right in front of me...in fact that is the intensely interesting part to me.  I don't know why it happens, but it happens almost every time. I start to see double, my armpits start sweating like Niagra Falls, and then the feeling of vomit starts to slowly creep into my stomach and inch it's way up my esophagus until I have two options. 1) Stay and vomit in the open body cavity, or 2) leave. I feel like it is best for post op infection rates if I leave.  So normally I have only had to be scrubbed into surgery a total of 5 times this whole year and now it will be 5 times a week. Not exactly excited about this.  The other reason I am not exactly a fan of surgery is that I prefer my patients are awake. Big surprise...but I really like talking to the patients. Maybe I will end up loving this rotation and searching for a job in surgery and I'm willing to keep my mind open...but hopefully the surgery sweats do not last the whole time!

This is also a definite reminder that I am more than half done with my clinical year.  I will celebrate my last day in the middle of March and then make the cross country trek back to Idaho to start my real life. This is the hard part. I should not be starting my real life without Kevin. We should be doing this together.  We should be looking at houses and figuring out where we want to settle down together. I get a little stab in the heart every time I think about that. In the beginning of the year I didn't think about it so much because it was so far away. I was also so busy still grieving his death every minute of the day that it wasn't such a big deal if I also felt the pain of the inevitable. My real life with no more school, and no more Kevin.  I know this may sound silly in the grand scheme of things but the thing that gives me the most sadness is that I won't get a picture with him in my cap and gown. That picture will never happen. He would be so incredibly proud of me and that picture would have set on our mantle forever. I know he is proud of me, but being proud from heaven still sucks...he should be here, he should be in the picture with me. 

The picture above is one of the first that we took in Boston.