My grandpa Harold joined Kevin on Sunday.  He was in pain and it was his time to go, but that doesn't make it easier that I don't get to see him anymore.  I just remember every time we came to visit my grandparents and Kevin would give grandpa a big handshake and say "How ya' doin Harold."  Grandpa would smile and say something funny and they would both smile and laugh.  I just picture that happening in heaven.  Kevin gave him a big hug and said "Hey Harold, it's good to see ya'...let me show ya' around."  I love them both so much, it's almost a peaceful feeling knowing they are together looking over us.  I saw the love between my grandpa and grandma everyday and I couldn't wait until Kevin and I were married for over sixty years like them. 

              It's been a hard two months...it would be nice if things started to get better sometime soon.

It's hard to believe it's been two months.  At times it feels like I haven't seen or talked to him in years and other times it seems like he died yesterday.  I went camping last weekend and all I could think about is how much he would have loved it, but then I thought, he loved everything so it's going to be pretty hard to enjoy something knowing he also would have been there with his giant smile right along with me.  Summer meant fighting fires, camping, golfing, and fishing; Fall meant hunting and fishing; Winter meant relaxing and fishing; Spring meant getting ready for fire, golfing, camping, and fishing.  One particular day after we moved to Boise he was so excited to take me to this special spot to fish that he found while on a fire.  It was somewhere in the middle of nowhere south of Boise and when we got there I thought "this place looks exactly like any other place we could have fished that wouldn't have been a two hour drive," but of course I didn't say that because he was so excited.  We fished for about and hour before he got really excited and wanted to show me where the fire had been.  As he started talking about it I realized he took me there to show me the fire because he had been the Incident Commander Trainee on it and he had directed all the resources to put it out.  His eyes lit up and he explained who he called and how the engines got down into the canyon.  Kevin rarely tooted his own horn but I was so proud of him.  Every time I told him I was proud of him he blushed.  The world needs more Kevin's.

Signs

Last night I was reading a story in about a mother who lost her daughter in an auto accident.  Seeing dragonflys became a symbol that the daughter was telling her mother she was okay and in a better place.  I have been praying for a sign or something that Kevin is with me.  I feel him in my heart everyday but I just wanted a sign that I was still with him too.  This morning I stepped outside my parents door and hundreds of dragonflys swarmed around me.  I couldn't believe it.  I just started crying because I knew it was him telling me he was okay.  It was the first time I felt peace in two months.  The picture above is of Kevin fishing in Idaho...when he was always the most at peace.

It's amazing the memories that surface once someone is no longer there to make new ones with.  This weekend I have been flooded by memories that are so precious to my heart now.  Kevin loved to dance and one of my first memories of being with him as a couple is swing dancing to "Redneck Girl" by The Bellamy Brothers.  He stole my heart when he flung me around the dance floor like he was a pro.  I knew girls were always jealous when their husbands or boyfriends wouldn't even attempt to dance and Kevin was out there having the time of his life.  At our wedding we were going to do the typical slow dance song and be mushy and lovey dovey but I never felt like that was us and at the last minute we called the DJ and changed our song.  Our first dance as husband and wife was to "Queen Of My Double Wide Trailer" by Sammy Kershaw.  It was perfect because it was us.  We didn't rehearse or make up moves, but we definitely cut the rug.

Keep dancin' Babe...

Family is the strength behind which I know I can fall.  The last couple days have been extremely hard and I know I am changing stages in my grief.  Everyone told me the anger would come, but I didn't believe them.  How could I be angry with Kevin, or even with God?  But anger has hit me hard.  I loved Kevin with all my heart and soul and I am angry that he left me to feel this way.  I have been feeling guilty for so long about going to school, but I have finally realized that we made that decision together and he wanted me to succeed in life just as much as wanted him to.  We needed to build our careers in order to live the life we wanted together.  I was mad at myself for so long but I know now that if I hadn't gone to school I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.  Thank you, Aunt Cheryl, for waking me up and helping me see that.  The picture above is from Erik and Jackie's Eelkema's wedding.  It was such a beautiful event and I loved being with Kevin there.  I loved going to weddings with Kevin after we were married because I felt like we got to "show off" being husband and wife.  Kevin loved calling me his wife.  After we were married he would come home and say "how was my beautiful wife's day today?"  He was so proud to be my husband.  I miss that.

Coming home to a room full of Kevin's things hit me like a ton of bricks.  The reality that I will never see him wear these clothes again is too much at times.  My heart aches that I can't share my break with him and see his smiling face.  I have gotten to the point where I have at least good moments every day.  Everyday is still hard to face but it is easier to get out of bed.  We had so many plans for our future that I can't look past what I'm doing next week because I know he won't be in my plans anymore.  I know he's with me every step of the way in this journey but I just want to scream sometimes that he should be with me on earth, not in heaven.  I have been reading stories from the Wildland Figherfighter Foundation from families who have lost their loved ones.  It is both sad and comforting to know that so many people have gone through what Kevin's friends, family, and me are going through right now.  We can find comfort in each other and help each other through this.  Kevin loved to be around friends and family and we should honor his memory by doing the same.

John 14:27    "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Last day of vacation.  It's been extremely hard to not have Kevin here with me.  Everything that surrounds me reminds me of him or something we did together here.  I'm going to miss my cat and dog but it will be nice to be on the west coast for a little while.  Kevin always tried to say he liked Konrad and was not a fan of Belle, but I knew different.  I would always catch them watching Sunday football games together on the couch and Belle would be snuggled up next to him, or sitting on his lap.  I remember the day my Mom flew my animals out here and I was so excited to see them.  They flew into Boston, which is about 50 minutes from Manchester so we had to come pick them up.  I, however, had a test the next day and Kevin said he would do it by himself.  The plane got in at 5:00 so he hit the worst possible rush hour traffic and it turned a 50 minute drive home, into 2 1/2 hours.  For those of you who know Kevin, you know that he hates traffic!  But he still showed up with a smile because he knew how excited I was to see my animals.  He would do anything to make me happy.  I loved that.

My break has officially started.  I thought this would give me some relief and take some of the reality away, but it has not.  I miss him more than ever now that I am on vacation because I want him on vacation with me.  It is great to be with family and experiencing new things, but am sad that I don't get to experience them with him.  We went whale watching in Cape Cod yesterday and all I can think of is how great he would have thought it was.  This is a big fishing town area and every time I look at a fishing pole I think of him and how much he would have loved fishing here.  Kevin always enjoyed experiencing new things never complained when he got tired, bored, or frustrated with my crazy ideas and antics.  He made me realize how incredibly impatient I can be and he always accommodated our little vacations and outings for it.  He knew I could not stay intrigued in one adventure for long so he made sure to plan lots of things to do.  I loved him for that.  He, on the other hand, could stand on a bank and fish for 10 hours strait.  Even if he wasn't catching fish, he would still stand there and be the calm, patient, amazing person he was. 

This picture is from our honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.  We went deep sea fishing and he was so worried I would hate being on the boat for 8 hours with no hopes of returning to the shore until the excursion was over.  I wanted to do it for him though...and I loved it.  I loved how excited he was to set the bait fish and fight the big fish on the reel in.  Most of all, I just loved being with him.

Finals have definitely taken a back burner to life at this point.  I look back at my last finals week and wonder why I stressed myself out so much to get just a few more points on a test.  I love what I am learning but tests have a way of taking the fascination with medicine and turning it into an unrealistic competition that ultimately does not help our future patients.  I would rather see a provider that still loves their job, instead of one that was burnt out on school.  Kevin helped me see this time and time again.  He was always the steady voice in my time of craziness.  I know he is with me now helping get past these last few days until I can have a break from it all. 

           My family has flown into Boston and it will be really nice to have a few days to tour around New England with them.  It is a much needed vacation and I am so blessed to have such loving support around me. The picture above is of Kevin and I on Valentines day at the Boston Symphony Orchestra, his first choice was a Celtics or Bruins game but he was a wonderful husband did not complain one bit when I told him I wanted to go to the symphony.

Two Years

Today would be our two year anniversary.  It is definitely a hard day.  Our wedding was so beautiful and I look back at our pictures and wonder how something like this could have happened.  The best day of my life was two years ago today...and the worst day of my life was June 24th, 2011.  The picture is from a fire Kevin and I were on when we first met.  It was the end of the day and we were waiting for the helicopter to fly us off the mountain.  I remember both of us just sitting and smiling during our whole conversation, I remember being so incredibly happy.

 I remember the first day I got butterfly's in my stomach when he smiled at me.  I thought to myself "oh boy, you have a crush on this guy."  This is the first picture we took together before we were dating.  I will never forget this day because it's also the day he told me he had a crush on me.  We tried to hide our flirtatious relationship in the beginning so our friends and crew wouldn't find out, but we were bad liars and everyone soon knew.

He asked me to marry him on February 7th, 2009.  We went snow shoeing in Idaho City and hiked up to a beautiful spot overlooking the valley.  He wore these awful looking tan Carhartt overalls that he always wore when we did any activity in cold weather.  I could see the outline of the ring box in his pocket our whole hike before he asked me.  I was so excited but I didn't say a word because I didn't want to ruin it for him.  He was so nervous he could hardly hold a conversation.  It was perfect.  I've pictured the day my husband would ask me to marry him from the time I was a little girl and I never pictured it as perfect as it was.

Our wedding was more than I could have ever asked for.  Before that day I thought it was the colors, the dress, cake, music, and decorations that made a wedding fun and beautiful.  After it was all said and done, the one thing I realized that makes a wedding so beautiful are the people that share it with you and the man of your dreams waiting for you at the end of the aisle.  This picture is when Kevin saw me for the first time walking down the aisle.  Out of the 100's of amazing photo's we have of that day...this one has always been my favorite.

I love you and miss you babe...Happy Anniversary.



John 16:22   "So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you"

Tragedies definitely put life into perspective.  I have gone from being the person that "nothing bad happens to" to the person that "wonders what bad thing will happen next."  Kevin took the saying "Live life to the fullest" literally.  He was always ready for an adventure, up for a challenge, and loved to have fun.  He once drove 10 hours to fish in ice cold weather with Ian and my brothers for one day, then drove 16 hours back to Cedarville so he could be at work in time.  Most people would just cut their losses and hope another fishing opportunity came up soon, but not Kevin.  If he had an opportunity to be with friends, family, and fish at the same time it was a no-brainer for him.  It was almost like he wanted people to have as much fun as he had all the time. 
           It is also times like our country is going through now that makes me look at life in a completely different light.  Thirty-one American soldiers were killed fighting for what they believed in.  My prayers and thoughts are with the friends and families of those brave men and women.  Be thankful everyday for the life you have and the people you love.

I am excited that finals will be over next week, but it also makes me very sad to think about.  By this time next week I would be on my way to see Kevin for my three week break from school.  I was looking forward to this time since I saw him last on May 14th.  I will never forget that day.  We woke up an hour and a half late and I made it to the airport 45 minutes before my plane took off.  Our goodbye was rushed that day.  I just wish I would have missed my plane now so I could of had that one last day with him, and not be rushed.  I will be visiting Cedarville while I am on the west coast and it will be nice to see family and friends...it will also be very hard to go back to that place.  Hopefully I can find refuge in God and school this week.  The next few days will be very hard...Monday is our 2 year anniversary. 

Sunday was pretty hard.  I didn't have anything planned and I have quickly come to realize that my day will turn into a pit of laziness and sadness if I do not plan something everyday.  I missed him so much that it became an overwhelming feeling and I couldn't get out of bed.  I finally dragged myself out of the apartment at 5pm and walked to a friends house.  For some reason the only person that gives me comfort in those times is Scott, Kevin's best friend.  I know Kevin is looking down on the bad times and wishing I would not sleep all day and I try to do what he would want.  Yesterday I tried to keep myself busy the whole day and it was definitely a better day.  I had feelings of hope and glimpses of the future.  Those have been things I have not had since I lost him.  Finals are next week and it is almost impossible to study.  By this time I would be up by 7am and in the library most of the day.  I haven't studied in the library since I have been back because the only times I would break would be to talk to Kevin.  It is hard to know he will never be my break to look forward to again.  The picture above is of Kevin and his groomsmen on our wedding day.  He had some pretty amazing friends that I was fortunate enough to know and love as well.