The World Championship Chili Cook off is in Manchester this weekend and I am pretty excited to go.  It brings back memories of last fall when Kevin and I went to the chili cook off in Alturas and ate so much that we made ourselves sick.  Kevin loved chili...well Kevin loved just about any kind of food, especially spicy food.  When he would cook dinner (which was most of the time) he would always add Sriracha hot sauce...to everything!  I am not a fan of spicy food so he would always wait for me to dish my food before he added it to the mix. He called it "cock sauce" because it had a big picture of a rooster on it. The first time I saw a bottle in the grocery store I started crying and had to leave...I have avoided that aisle since. He always hated to share food and knew that I would always have a couple bites of whatever he ordered at a restraunt.  After a while he started ordering the spiciest thing on the menu just so I wouldn't want to eat any of it. I miss that.

I had my first phone call from someone that asked to talk to Kevin yesterday.  It was someone from a resort we had two free nights stay at and she was wondering when we wanted to make our reservations. I just froze and told her he passed away and hung the phone up. We got the free stay by listening to a time share pitch in Arizona during one of my interviews for school and we thought it would make a nice getaway in the future.  The picture above is in Arizona the day we went to the time share pitch.

It's only Tuesday, but this week has already been on the upside compared to last week.  I have been wanting to find a church or even just a pastor to talk to since I have been back and it has been somewhat of an inner struggle to go to a place of God.  I felt like yesterday morning was my breaking point and instead of meeting friends for coffee like I had planned, I drove to a Lutheran church and met with the pastor.  It was where I needed to be. I know alot of people have trouble with accepting "God's plan" and I have had my share feelings of that since Kevin died.  He was way to young and had way too much life in him for this to be "God's plan." I do, however, believe that God wants us to be happy and I know more than anything, Kevin wants me to be happy and find joy in life again. There was something in the Wildland Firefighter Foundation newsletter this fall that really struck me. I want to honor Kevin everyday and sometimes I struggle with how to do that.  This really hit home and I hope those who read this will also continue to honor him:

TO HONOR YOU,
    I get up every day and take a breath and start another day without you in it.

TO HONOR YOU,
   I laugh and love with those who knew your smile and the way your eyes twinkled with mischief
  and secret knowledge.

TO HONOR YOU,
   I listen to the music you would have liked and sing it at the top of my lungs, with the windows
  rolled down.

TO HONOR YOU,
  I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back, risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.

You were my life, my heart, my gift of love from the very highest source.  So every day,  I vow to
make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh, and love.  Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.
                                                                            -TCF Atlanta Online Sharing

Football has been hard to get into this fall.  Kevin loved watching college and pro football on the weekends.  Since he met me I was slowing molding him into a BSU fan and the last few seasons he was starting to get on board.  He loved watching how crazy my mom would get over the games, and he would always try to get her all worked up by talking about "if they lost the game" scenarios.  He was always still a Nevada fan at heart and I knew he was happy when they beat BSU last year, even though he wouldn't show it in front of my mom.  It is a great memory standing in the freezing cold weather with Kevin at that game.  I will never forget him trying to hide his excitement from my parents because he didn't want them to feel bad.

I have mentioned this before and read in many books, but it has never been more apparent than this week...grief is like a roller coaster.  I felt like I was doing "OK" and then out of nowhere, I feel like I've been hit by a mac truck.  There was nothing in particular that triggered it.  I just woke up and felt like I was back at the first week.  Maybe it's because Saturday will be the 3 month mark.  We are studying pregnancy in school right now, which is both fascinating and extremely sad at the same time.  I wanted to have kids with Kevin so badly and he would have been such a great dad.  We were trying to be responsible and have our life in order before it happened and now all I can think about sometimes is that I wish I had that part of him with me.  A child that was ours.  I truly believe there is a greater plan...but at times like this it is hard to see what that plan could possibly be.

The picture above is from our honeymoon.  It was always one of my favorites because I would tell people "our kids are gonna have the best eyes."

Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."

The shock and numbness has been wearing off and I can definitely tell the difference.  I remember the week after it happened and I can't imagine that feeling again.  It was horrible, it was like life, as I knew it, was over forever.  I know Kevin would never want me to feel like that, and thankfully that feeling has passed.  The feeling of hope is one that cling to.  Before this happened I feel like I lived life in a blissfully naive state and was completely unaware of what things could really be like.  When talking to other widows and friends who have lost someone they loved so much it is like life takes on a new meaning.  I cherish the relationships I have so much more.  Kevin was such an incredible person and I was always in awe of how he could never say a bad thing about anyone.  He was truly an inspiration to me to seek the good in everyone.
          I love the picture above of him.  He was so content sitting at home watching the Vikings game with me, Konrad, and a Bud Light.  I was never much of a fan of watching the Vikings...I miss fighting over the remote with him.

I really hate the weekends.  I feel like I have to fill my time up with things to do just to get through them.  This weekend I decided to take a trip to Fort Fairfield, ME to see where we lived when I was 5-7 years old.  I remember our house well and remember telling Kevin memories I had from that place.  When he came back to New Hampshire this fall we were going to make the trip together.  It's about a 7 hour drive from Manchester, which is about the same amount of time it normally took us to drive from Boise to Cedarville.  It was a good drive and gave me alot of time to think about things, but it mostly just gave me time to miss him.  I saw our old house and memories came flooding back.  I remember the front porch, the big barn on the side, the pond in the back where I cut my chin open, the trees where Jacob tipped the 4-wheeler over and I broke my collar bone...it was really cool to see it again.  I also went to the golf course that is half in the U.S. and half in Canada to hit balls at the driving range.  It is a beautiful course and Kevin would have loved it.  It's so lonely without my best friend to share these things with.  I really miss you babe...

I finally had a good day yesterday.  It felt like an accomplishment because it had been so long since I have had a good day.  Today was an okay day, which is great considering what bad days are like sometimes.  I have taken up golfing as a way to get out of my apartment and feel like I am in control.  Don't get me wrong, I am still terrible, but at least for the hour that I am at the driving range I feel like a semi-normal human.  I even bought golf clubs.  Financial decisions have been somewhat of a struggle because Kevin and I always made every decision together.  Anything over 50$ was considered a big purchase due to our limited budget and we would have to talk about whether or not the purchase was necessary.  Golf clubs would have definitely been on the "not necessary" list when he was here, but I felt like it was something I needed to buy, like a gift for going through this.  I know he was there smiling at me and saying "it's okay to buy them...you deserve them."  I always feel better when I am outside and doing something and golfing makes me feel closer to him because he liked to do it so much.  I just wish we would have had more time to golf together.  The picture is from the first time we went golfing together.  It was such a fun day and I remember feeling like I had finally found someone that I can be myself around and feel completely comfortable. 

Today is one of those that puts life into perspective.  As I watched the celebrations for remembering the victims of 9/11 I can't help but think of all the people that lost so many loved ones, especially the women and men that lost their spouses.  It is such a deep loss when it happens, but to have that loss on such a tragic level had to be incredibly hard.  When Kevin died, all I could think about was that no one knew my pain, and no one had ever felt what I felt.  It took a couple weeks to come back to reality and realize that I was not alone.  It was also a comforting feeling to know that others have felt the loss of a love so deep they never thought they could live again.  And to know they were living and happy again was even more comforting.  I went to a support group for widows on Friday and it was an incredible experience.  The women were all older than me and had been married to their husbands for many more years, but they still understood and were very compassionate to my story.  I belong to a club that nobody wants to be apart of, but the members are so amazing and I know that we can get through this together.  I miss Kevin every second of the day.  Sometimes it hurts just as bad as day one, and sometimes it is just a small cut, but my heart is broken all the time. 

The picture above was from Ian's graduation.  I love this picture because it captures Kevin's smile and beautiful eyes when they were so alive and happy, as he always was.

It has been raining almost nonstop since I have been back on the east coast.  It makes me miss the desert and my dry weather when I wake up to a dreary morning and overcast sky all day.  Mornings are definitely the hardest.  Everyday I wake up it's like a ton of bricks hits my chest and stays there until I get up and get ready for the day.  The trick has definitely been to keep my mind busy.  I can actually force myself to pay attention in class if I have a pencil and highlighter in my hand.  Sometimes I will randomly highlight sentences just look like I am taking notes.  As the cold weather comes it reminds me of Kevin and I's first summer together in Cedarville.  Our whole crew would gather and build giant fires and have a great time for hours.  Nothing is better than being surrounded by friends and the beauty of the outdoors while relaxing and having a good time after a hard day at work.  When Kevin and I met were were literally together 24/7 for the first 5 months of our relationship because we worked together and had to live in the barracks together.  We ate breakfast, went to work, and hung out the rest of the day after work.  After all that time together, I still couldn't get enough of him.  How could you with that amazing smile?  The picture above is from one of the bonfires our first summer together.

First day back and school and we are already in the full swing of things.  Yesterday was a really tough day so it was nice to be busy all day long today to keep my mind going.  I had to go grocery shopping due to the extremely outdated OJ and moldy veggies in my refrigerator and figured I was overdue for a trip to the supermarket.  As I got to the cheese section I found myself looking for Horseradish cheese because it was always something Kevin and I loved to eat with crackers for a snack.  I think I looked in the specialty cheese section for 15 minutes before realizing it probably wasn't there...and it made me really sad.  Kevin loved to go grocery shopping (something most men avoid at all costs).  Most of all, he loved when we could go together, it was like our special time together when we could plan out meals and spend time laughing in the store.  I used to look forward to that time too...even waiting in a long line at Winco wasn't so bad when we were together.  At least today was better than yesterday and I have learned to hang on to every positive that I can find lately.

I am finally back on the east coast...and no there was no damage to my car or apartment as many of you asked during my break.  Konrad is still alive and kick'in and won't leave my sight.  Belle is still in the loving care of her fairy god mother, Danielle, and I will get to see her tomorrow.  Grandpa's service yesterday was beautiful and he would have been very proud.  My grandma was so strong and I know she was putting such a brave face on for grandpa.  It was almost like I could see what I was two months ago through her eyes.  I wanted Kevin to be proud of me after his memorial service so I put on a brave face when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry for hours.  When I landed in New Hampshire I felt like I was home, like God knew I needed to get into school here not for the education, but to help me through the most difficult time in my life.  I have some angels here that I know will help me through the next stage in my life.  I feel like my grandpa and Kevin are so connected and I will rarely think about one without the other now. 
         The picture above is from Kevin and I's rehearsal dinner.  I had planned such a great day of floating the river and catered Mexican food at a park with beach volley ball and frisbee.  My plans were ruined by the rain and I was devastated.  Kevin took me in his arms that day and wiped away my tears as he told me it would be okay and the rain didn't ruin anything because no matter what...we were still getting married the next day.  Even though Kevin wasn't with me yesterday, I still felt like he wiped away my tears because I know grandpa was with him.

Romans 15:13 "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."