Somewhere in between the grieving, attempting to cover up the grieving and all the Christmas events...I got sick. I could feel this coming simply because it had to at some point. I have been going nonstop for about three weeks now once I had a minute to slow down it all caught up with me. I survived Christmas and now it is time for New Years...just one more first down, 6 more months of them to go. I am definitely changing and I have more moments into the glimpses of my old self. It is crazy to look at photographs and wonder who that person even was at times. I feel like I've aged 10 years at times.

I am back in Boise for now and headed to Sun Valley for New Years for some much needed time with the girls to ring in the new year. Alot of people have said to me "I hope 2012 is better for you." I also hope it is a better year, however, Kevin is still not here so it doesn't change how I feel about 2012. It is very sad to me that he never got to see 2012. The year he was supposed to turn 25, the year I will graduate, the year our life was finally going to start. That is what 2012 is to me, the year we were supposed to take off...instead...it is a year that I am continuing to start over.

Merry Christmas everyone! I have said since October that I really just wanted to skip Christmas and New Years all together...go to a remote cave and hibernate until all the joy and happiness is over. What I have realized more than anything is that there are so many people who have suffered tragedy and have found the joy again. Kevin loved Christmas...not for the presents though. It was a time when family was together and the world seemed to stop just simply enjoy what life really is about. The food and going fishing with Lucas were also two added bonuses to the season!

The picture above was taken on Christmas day last year. We were going to send out a "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" card but the move across country and starting school kind of took priority over being organized for Christmas. I always thought we had the next 60 years to send out our Christmas card so it was no big deal. I really wish we had sent this one last year.

We are also missing my very special Grandpa Harold this season. Every Christmas morning for as long as I can remember Grandpa Harold and Grandma Shirley came over for breakfast. When we were younger we would show them all our presents and play the games we got. As we got older the gifts got more practical and the real joy was just being able to spend time with our grandparents. I cherish those memories of Christmas time with my Grandpa.

This picture was taken at Christmas last year. Last night I asked Olivia who was in the picture and she said "That's Kevin...he's with Grandpa in heaven." It melted my heart. I want her to remember her Uncle and how much he loved her and I think he left a lasting impression on her heart.

I miss Kevin so much but I also know that he wants nothing more but for us to love and enjoy living. I'm sure he's attending the best birthday party we could ever imagine today.  Merry Christmas Babe!

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change

I would definitely be lying if I said today is easy. It's not only Christmas Eve, it's also been 6 months. It has been a flood of emotions throughout the day and it all started yesterday. I have been trying to keep myself busy by helping families in need have a joyful Christmas because it is hard to find any myself. I just keep picturing him sitting by me and laughing about our family and making inside jokes. Kevin truly was my best friend. We shared everything, we talked about everything, we had no secrets. We could laugh for hours about nothing at all. We knew each other. I miss him more than ever at this time. I have heard so many sad stories the last couple days about wives who have lost their husbands or children recently and my heart aches for them. This is the most heart wrenching "first" I have to get through this year. I just pray for the families and friends that are also hurting this holiday. I have hope in my heart that it gets better and someday Christmas will be filled with joy again. This time around I just really miss him.

The picture above was taken on Christmas Eve last year. I remember Kevin laughing because you couldn't even see Belle in the picture. That night we played Apples to Apples and Smart Ass with Lucas, Jacob, Theresa and Dominique. I'm pretty sure he won every game we played (of course). It was such a fun night spent with family.

I am finally back in the panhandle state and it feels good to be doing absolutely nothing. Moving put an added stress on top of everything else and I am glad that is over. I feel like I have been focusing on what to do for everything else that I haven't had a second to focus on myself and where I go from here. The answer is...I have absolutely no idea. I still have one more year of school and I am excited about the new learning experiences that will bring. I will be in my clinical rotations, with real patients, and dealing with real clinical issues...not just studying for a multiple choice test. I really miss Kevin on days like today when I had a long day of flying and just wanted to relax on the couch. The picture above is from camping in the Sawtooths the month before we got married. He hated my tie-dye shirt and never let me wear it in public with him so I tortured him at home and camping and wore it all the time. I miss that.

I am still very anxious about Christmas just because I don't know what to expect. Everyone says the days leading up to the holiday are worse than the actual day. That was true for August 8th, our anniversary. That was not true for my birthday. My birthday was one of the worst days I have had yet. I have been nervous and very sad about about Christmas since October so I just hope it goes okay. I will be surrounded by family and I think that is all I can ask for.

I had a little set back yesterday. It all started about a week ago when my phone decided to stop working right before finals and the only way I could communicate with anyone was through text message. Since it was finals week I had no free time to drive 30 minutes away to the nearest Apple store (I have an iPhone) and wait for them to fix it. My mom flew in on Wednesday and has been a big help with getting all my stuff together and ready to move out of this 10 sq. ft. apartment....okay it's not 10 sq. ft, but it sure feels like it! Anyway, my mom and I traveled to the Apple store and the employee helping us said there were a couple things they could try and if it still didn't work I would get a new phone since mine is still under warrenty. Great. Awesome. I just explained to him that I had some extremely important voice mails that I did not want erased and if they were going to do anything that would possibly erase them to wait until I could save them to my computer first. He assured me that nothing would effect the voice mails.

He did whatever he did and the phone still didn't work so he told me to come back on Sunday to get my new phone and give me time to save all my texts and voice mails from Kevin. Great. Awesome.

Then I walk out of the store...look at my voice mails...and they are gone. All of them. I think I almost had a stroke. I'm not sure because I think I blacked out for a second. I started crying and yelling right in the middle of the mall. I went back to the store and the employee just said "Hmmm, not sure why that happened, it never has before!!!!" I couldn't believe it. He never even said he was sorry even thought I was crying hysterically in the middle of the store.

I am better now and realize that a voice mail is not going to make things any easier. It was just such an incredibly unexpected blow on top of everything else that I didn't know how to handle it.

On the bright side though...I am done with my first year of PA school!!!  It was an extremely challenging year (well more so the last 5 months and 3 weeks) but I made it. I know Kevin was helping me every step of the way. It is a little bitter sweet because I know how proud he would be right now. The picture above is from our tour of the Sam Adam's brewery in Boston one of the first weekends we were here.

I feel like school put me in survival mode because I knew I had to put my head down and dig. I am now one day away from being done with the first year and it is starting to become very, very real. Every time I have come home since Kevin's death I have been on a mission..had to complete some sort of task. This time I am just coming home to "be." To be in the moment and fully aware of my reality. And my reality really sucks. This should be a celebratory time for me...I survived the first year of PA school! But I don't see it that way...I only see it as I am finally able to grieve. That is very scary to me because I don't know what's to come. Will it be worse than the beginning? I feel like I am apart of some imaginary ball of string gradually unwinding and with every pull it gets closer and closer to the core.

This song by Hilary Weeks is called Beautiful Heartbreak and it is so inspiring. I listen to it often.  I know there are people who have suffered extreme heartbreak and have come out with a beautiful story in the end. Those people give me so much hope on my darkest days. 

It's a little surreal that after 20 years of attending school...I am preparing for my last finals week ever. It is very difficult to stay motivated and study for the tests, but in the end I know it will be okay. I have gone to hell and back...more than once on this journey and I know that I can conquer anything that life has to throw my way. I don't know why this is my journey but I have faith in God that somehow he will show me the path to complete joy again. I just miss Kevin so much. I miss him telling me how smart, beautiful, and amazing I am. I miss him telling me that everything will be okay. During finals or big tests I became almost non-existent to him because I was so worried about studying and knowing everything that I neglected him at those times. He was always patient and understanding about it and he never got angry, he only supported me. After the test I would apologize to him and he would laugh and say "I know you were only temporarily crazy so don't worry, I'm not mad." I miss his jokes about my temporary insanity when it comes to school.

The picture above was taken in February of this year when we went skiing in New Hampshire. He hadn't been skiing in about three years but of course...he was like a pro and didn't skip a beat. He was such an incredible athlete.

Kevin knew I really needed him today. This morning was rough. I didn't want to get out of bed and I had a flood of emotions that was pushing me down. It was a day I just wanted to curl up and not deal with anything. Then...I got a knock on the door from the UPS man. It was a beautiful dragonfly necklace sent to me by a very special person (thank you Merideth!). It was like he was telling me to get up and go to school. With finals next week I really couldn't afford to replace studying with crying so I stopped, showered, and went to class. I felt it was him telling me I need to get through this last week and a half...one last push. It rained all day and I was still feeling low...just something I couldn't shake, but at least I was able to get up and study.

Tonight was my Christmas party for my support group so it was nice to have a little break from studying to be around people who really understand what the upcoming holidays bring. I left feeling very sad about what Christmas will be like without him and how I really wish I could just hide under a rock until the end of February. When I got home I had two packages and a card in the mail. One was a dragonfly necklace I bought for Kevin's niece, another was a dragonfly bookmark his sister sent me in a card, and the third was a children's book I bought for my niece, cousin, and Kevin's nieces and nephew about dragonflys.

I'm not sure what they chances of all four of these dragonfly symbols arriving on the same day...a day when I really, really needed them is, but it has to be slim to none. I feel like some of the shock is wearing off and the intense reality is setting in now. This day was like one from the beginning, I really needed these dragonfly's and I truly believe Kevin knew that I would today.

So for my year of firsts I can add one to the list. Today I made it through my first church service without crying! I know this may seem like a small feat...but it took me months to even go to church and then it has taken me a couple more months just to sit and not cry. I always think about the first time we went to church together or what he would be wearing. The first time we went to church together in Boise we met Pastor Collins and I immediately felt at home. A couple weeks later we met with him and asked him to officiate our wedding. That day he and Kevin talked about the Lutheran religion and he gave Kevin and I some books on the history and background of the Lutheran faith. Kevin was never much of a reader, but he took those home and read all of them. He would even show me things when I got home from work or school and we would talk about what they meant and how we could apply the teaching today. I miss that. I miss going to church with him.

I can't believe it's already December. I feel like it was just yesterday that Kevin and I had loaded the trailblazer for the trip across country to start school. I remember the first two weeks of school and thinking "holy crap...I still have the rest of the year...I don't know if I can make it." Now there are two weeks left and I have made it through more than anyone should ever have to. I do get the strength from him to keep going, to get up everyday and at least try. I usually do feel better after I am up and busy doing some kind of activity. My brain still struggles though. I thought is was just me being more forgetful and foggy than usual but all the books and people I have talked to refer to it as "Widow Brain." I use to hate that word at first: Widow. It's a label. I hate being labeled. But I have learned to embrace it. I am living, I am going to school, and I am surviving even if I am a Widow. I am stronger than I ever thought possible and I only continue to grow. Some days are still much harder than others, but even on the hard days I can now make myself get up and do something. Even if it's something small, it's an accomplishment. I wasn't even able to make myself go outside in the beginning and now I make it mandatory for myself. I think that is some pretty good self growth.

The picture above is from Kevin and I's adventure across country. It was taken on December 31st 2010, the first day of our drive. Kevin drove about 40 of our 45 hour drive...he always loved to drive though. He turned into a Chatty Cathy when he was a passenger. I think it was because he was so bored that he just said every thought that came into his head...which was very uncommon for him to do.