Higher Love the Second

 

Cassie Deitz...someone I consider a close friend and author of a very powerful blog...wrote about the exact song and emotions that overcame me yesterday.   Her post was titled   Higher Love. This happened to me as I was driving through incredibly beautiful country from Manchester, NH to Burlington, VT. Growing up in Idaho I saw beautiful country everywhere...my favorite place in world still is and always will be Stanley, ID and the majestic land that surrounds the hidden lakes, winding rivers, and towering mountains.  New England, however, posses it's own beauty with endless miles of rolling hills (technically they are mountains here but that is a far stretch considering I come from a very mountainous state and have seen the Colorado Rockies up close and personal).

I put my iPod on "driving music." This is my playlist I created for the long drives I normally take during my weekend adventures of exploring New England these days. Last year at this time I was lucky to get out of my apartment to see the light of day. My poor Scottie dog, Belle, learned that she was probably only going to get 3 potty breaks a day...4 at the most, but was still a perfect little companion for me during my dark days. Around month 4 and 5 I started to get a little more energy to venture out but by that time it was late fall moving into Winter. The sun started to go down around 3pm...not exactly ideal for an active griever who denied themselves daylight for 4 months and finally wanted to feel it on their skin.

Anyway...back to the play list. This playlist is an eclectic mix from Paralyzer by Finger Eleven, to Proud Mary by Creedance Clearwater Revival. I put alot of high energy songs mixed with some in which I knew every word to...(there may have been some Backstreet Boys and 'NSYNC but that is neither here nor there). I was rock’in along and enjoying this beautiful ride when Higher Love by James Vincent McMorrow came on.  

When I first read Cassie's post I listened to this song over and over and over again. As she mentions in her post, we have all heard this song in it's original version by Steve Winwood. This version, however, seems to bring an entire new meaning to the song.  I immediately started crying. Not the ugly cry that would have made me pull over and wait for the wave to pass. This was more of a "I really really really miss Kevin cry, I miss my best friend and just want to talk to him and tell him all the new things in my life cry, the holy shit....it's been over a year since I have heard his real voice cry." I feel like this song has so many levels in it. The lyrics talk love and suffering;

 

 Think about it, there must be higher love 

Down in the heart or hidden in the stars above 

Without it, life is wasted time

 Look inside your heart, I'll look inside mine

 Things look so bad everywhere 

In this whole world, what is fair? 

We walk blind, we try to see 

Falling behind in what could be

Until Kevin died I didn't truly experience love and suffering so intensely at the same time. Sure I've broken up with boyfriends in the past and felt that "pain" before. But after I met Kevin I knew that I never truly loved another before because my love for him was different...it was the real deal.

Worlds are turning and we're just hanging on 

Facing our fear and standing out there alone 

A yearning, and it's real to me

 There must be someone who's feeling for me

 Things look so bad everywhere

In this whole world, what is fair? 

We walk blind, we try to see 

Falling behind in what could be

At this point in my journey I feel like this whole verse is referring to widow/ers. The people who just "get it."  These words are so true to how I feel everyday.

I will wait for it I'm not too late for it 

Until then, I'll sing my song

 To cheer the night along 

Bring it...

 I could light the night up with my soul on fire 

I could make the sun shine from pure desire 

Let me feel that love come over me

 Let me feel how strong it could be

I feel like the love in these two verses is a self love at this point. A love that I lost the day Kevin died (in addition to losing the love of my life) and have slowly been getting it back day by day. "Let me feel that love come over me, Let me feel how strong it could be," this is the self love I am waiting for again. I feel glimpses of if everyday...I feel my smile...my real smile...that I so desperately miss again. It is slow, but it is coming again...my Higher Love.

Yesterday I sat by the water for the last time the morning I was preparing to pack up my stuff yet once again and move for another 5 weeks at a new location, meeting new people, and becoming familiar with another aspect of my ever changing career path and life. I sipped my iced coffee and read (for the second time) Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl. For those of you who have not read this book, I highly recommend it. It is an incredible description of the author's life in Nazi death camps and his sheer will to live that got him through not only the camp, but the death of numerous members of his family and close friends. One of Kevin's good friends lent me this book to read in January and I read it immediately, soaking in all the details and coping skills I could. Reading it for the second time now, I realize I read it out of desperation the first time. I wanted someone to tell me what to do, how to grieve, and when....oh WHEN would the pain stop.

At this stage in my journey I now know that there are no answers to those questions. This is a journey only I can take and only I will know what it entails. The pain...well I know the pain will never stop. How could it when you love someone with your entire being and they are so suddenly ripped from your life forever? I now know the pain will lessen, no...more like evolve. It has already morphed into a part of me that I live with everyday. A part of me that I have learned to live with, I have embraced, and I cherish. That pain is a representation of a man that I loved, and who loved me deeply. I would never want that pain to fully disappear. I am not a huge fan of the pop culture icon Katy Perry but she does say it so well in one of her latest hits..."This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me."

As I was reading the Man's Search for Meaning a passage stuck out so strongly that I spend an hour just sitting and thinking about the words. He was talking about his wife and his constant yearn to see her and his dream that they would be together when their suffering and pain was all over.

My mind still clung to the image of my wife. A thought crossed my mind: I didn't even know if my wife was still alive. I knew only one thing - which I have learned well by know: Love goes very far beyond the physical person of the beloved. It finds its deepest meaning in his spiritual being, his inner self. Whether or not he is actually present, whether or not he is still alive at all, ceases to somehow be of importance.

I did not know whether my wife was alive, and I had no idea of finding out (during all my prison life there was no outgoing or incoming mail); but at that moment it ceased to matter. There was no need for me to know; nothing could touch the strength of my love, my thoughts, and the image of my beloved. Had I known then that my wife was dead, I think that I would still have given myself, undisturbed by that knowledge, to the contemplation of her image, and that my mental conversation with her would have been just as vivid and just as satisfying. "Set me like a seal upon thy heart, love is as strong as death."

This passage resonated with me so strongly the second time that I wonder if I even read it the first time. Or I was possibly still in so much pain that I didn't care about the strength of love and transcendence because I just wanted him to still be physically in my arms and I didn't care about much else.

Life is all about perspective and this book is definitely a tool on perspective. Once again...I highly recommend it to people who have never been through a tragedy, are going through one now, went through one 20 years ago, going through a divorce, lost a job....really any life shattering ordeals that has left them wondering how they could possibly go on any longer.

The first seconds

I've heard it many many times. A saying that is supposed to comfort those consumed by sadness, grief, hopelessness...etc. A saying that is meant give the griever...a saying that was meant to give me...hope that the second year will not be so bad.

"After one year the holidays, anniversary's, and special days will not be as bad and you will smile and remember the good memories"

Well, this is the first second holiday. He was not here for July 4th, 2011. This was the first holiday I had to endure without him, and this is the second time around for it. I woke up with the anticipation that it would be a good day. Even though my friends and family could not be here, I had high hopes that I could still experience happiness on this day unlike last year...I was sadly mistaken.

Shortly after I woke up I was consumed by anxiety, sadness, memories...by the reality that I could no longer say...last year Kevin was alive for this.

I've had some pretty big swings since the one year date but all in all it's been pretty good. My mom and her best friend Carol visited from Idaho. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to talk to an actual person during dinner instead of have a conversation with myself in my head. We hit the town and toured cape cod from the canal to P-Town,

Went to Martha's Vineyard

 and experienced a little bit of Boston in the mix

And despite my extreme stage fright and fear of public humiliation...I was picked by the street performer to assist him in his act

It was a great trip and much needed visit from my Idaho life to remind me of what I'm here for, and what I have to look forward to when I return.

And then there is today. A holiday dedicated to spending time with family and friends and I am here alone.  Although Kevin and I only actually spent one 4th together (two weeks after we started dating) because he was always either on a fire or working late to in case something went array with the locals shooting of fireworks where they weren't supposed to. It is still a holiday. And it still sucks. Despite what people may have told me...I have a feeling those people have never experienced tragedy before because the second year STILL sucks. 

There is one huge difference between today and July 4th, 2011: I know it will get better. I am a professional griever at this point and I know what I can do and how to handle these unexpected, out of the blue, no good, anxiety ridden, sadness filled days. 

I listen to myself. I give myself a break. I get through the day moment by moment. I read inspiring books or blogs. I eat junk food because it makes me happy for the moment. I drink wine because it eases the pain just a little. I remind myself of what I do have and I am blessed that I am still here living for the both of us. 

I was feeling particularly sorry for myself just a few hours ago so I decided to walk into town with my camera to try and capture the essence of the 4th in Onset, MA. There was also a band playing so I thought it would be a good way to relax and take in the moment. I decided to take the long way around so I could walk next to the water when I was stopped in my tracks. There are memorial benches all around Onset and I have never really stopped to look at any of them until now. I just happened to glance down and the last possible moment and saw this: 

 

 If you look to the horizon, the possibilities are endless...

I really needed that dragonfly today, to remind me that he is still with me on the hard days and he is still so proud of me. I also needed the little reminder that I can do anything I put my mind to...that my possibilities are still endless.