I feel it coming. June 24th. A date that I have unsuccessfully shoved to the back of my mind because the mere mention of that date sends waves of nausea and pain throughout my body. I was doing to good. I was getting my motivation to be somebody again...and then WHAM! A slap in the face. Sometimes it comes from nowhere...and sometimes...I know exactly where it comes from.

This is still all a nightmare...right? I just talked to him yesterday..right? I just held him yesterday...right? I just kissed him yesterday...right? How could the answer to all these questions be...No?

The closer it gets, the more I feel the pull backwards. It's like a magnet, as long as I stay a good distance away from the date, it won't affect me. But the closer it gets the more I feel the pull to that date. June 24th. The day my life was shattered and changed forever. June 24th. The questions have started to come back.

Why me? Why him? Why us? We were so perfect. He was a benefit to society in every sense of the word. Why not someone else? These are questions I had stopped asking because there is no answer. God does not have an answer. All the ridiculous platitudes that people said in the beginning were worthless because I was going through the most mind numbing pain I could ever imagine. "God must have needed him more" "God doesn't give you anything more than you can handle" "He's in a better place now"

I know God is here, I know he will always be here. But the closer June 24th gets, the closer it gets to one year...the more the anger returns. And that's okay. If I have learned one thing on my journey it is this...Anger is okay. Anger means your are taking steps to heal. And anger is what I feel today. I still need my support. I still need people to help me. Because this is Still. Not. Over.

To say last weekend was amazing would be an understatement.  It was the first time I have felt normal in exactly 10 months. Yes, today it has been 10 months since the world as I knew it was so cruelly ripped from under my feet and I was left wondering what the hell just happened....and more importantly...how the hell was I supposed to recover from the most earth shattering blow to my heart and soul that could ever happen.

The answer: HOPE!

I attended Camp Widow this weekend and not only was greeted by...but welcomed with open arms by widows of all ages and stages.  It was a place where the most common and accepted questions where...How long ago did your husband/wife die? And....How did they die? Questions that would have you looking like you just escaped from the mental institution had you asked them to any random individual in real life. (Real life is what I call anything outside of my peeps from support groups or my new widow/widower friends from Camp Widow). 

A normal conversation at CW consisted saying the most insane, crazy, sad, humorous, or depressing thoughts out loud and having them met by "I know," "Absolutely," "I have thought that same thing," "I'm thinking that same thing right now," and the most important "You are not alone." In the beginning I thought I was alone in this incredibly difficult and painful journey and I have slowly realized how "not alone" I am. But this weekend was the first time I've felt like not only am I surrounded by incredible people who are going through the same thing I am....but there are people out there who have gone through it and made it to the other side.

When I think about all the amazing people in my life I often say how glad I am they are there and I think about some of the broken journey's that has led me to them. I have always been grateful for the choice (wrong or right) that led me to them. This is one place where I have met some pretty amazing people....though I wish I never had.

 (Picture from Cumberland, RI taken by my new camera)


 As the one year mark fast approaches I can't help but think about everything that was going on at this time last year. All our last conversations, the last skype calls, last text messages. It is so hard to believe that my biggest worry last year at this time was how I was going to do during finals week. I was so stressed out I pre-warned Kevin that I would be cranky, tired, and unable to talk for the majority of the week. He was always so caring and understanding. He always just wanted me to be happy.


I have had a struggle with making decisions the last 10 months (I think I deserve a pass for being undecisive), but it is mostly because I still ask myself: What would Kevin do? It doesn't matter if it is buying clothes or deciding what to do for the weekend...I still wonder what Kevin and I would have decided together. What restraunt to eat at, what shirt to buy, what movie to whatch to big life decisions...they were all things we would decide together. I know that no matter what I decide he would only want whats best for me and whatever would make me happy. It is a very difficult transition to go from a "we" to a "me" and I still have a long way to go before that transition is complete. I know that I will always think about him in the big decisions...but I have to start considering what is best for me, and me alone now. I was actually talking to Kevin out loud (yes I do this often, and no I'm not crazy) about this in the car on the way to the hospital yesterday and saying how easy it would be if he were here to help me cope with everything and a song came on. It's one that I've heard many times, but I think Kevin sent this one just for me at just the right time. It's called "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts. He wasn't perfect...but he was always my biggest fan and sometimes he always knew the right thing to say at just the right time.

"My Wish"

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

It's coming to the end of another exhausting week and I can't believe how much time has flown by. I feel like time has gone so slow and so fast at times that it is hard to keep track of where I really am in the year. It's been 9.5 months and it feels like 9.5 years...yet some days it still feels like 9.5 days.  I was having a particularly hard night on Tuesday and I picked up one of my grief books I haven't read in a while called "I wasn't ready to say Goodbye." Before I opened it I prayed for some friends who have recently lost a loved one and then I asked God and Kevin to help me. I am drastically lacking motivation to study and I need a good kick in the ass to get going when I get home from a long day of being at the hospital. It isn't like a normal job where I can come home, cook dinner, and relax. I still have exams to study for and assignments to do, and I have to do it 6 times a week. However...I have no motivation to do any of it. I asked Kevin to help me get my motivation back.  Just as I opened the book a piece of paper fell out of one of the pages. It was a note from him. He used to send me inspirational letters and this was the first one he sent me. My heart stopped. I haven't picked this book up in 4 months and out of the blue...on this night...I decided I was going to read it. The letter said how proud of me he was and how much he missed me. The tears, of course, flowed. In that instant I was completely reassured that he has always, and will always be around me. God always works in mysterious ways and I know he and Kevin will always be giving me a little push along the way!

Everyday the fog lifts a little more. I often think back to the first few days, weeks, and months and wonder how I am where I am today. There are times during the day when it still takes me a few seconds to catch my breath and realize what my life is now. I am beginning to miss the old me. I have changed so much in the last 9.5 months that I hardly recognize who I used to be. I look at pictures and wonder who that person is. I think more than anything I have changed for the better...but there are some things that I miss and wish I could have back. I used to be so proactive, I was the one who went the extra mile, did the extra credit, volunteered, I always wanted more. I feel so timid now. I have lost that confidence to be a force and it is really hard to find the strength to be that person again. I had a review with my first attending and it went well other than she told me I needed to be more proactive and push to do more. It took everything I had not to break down and cry right there. I just wanted to scream "that used to be me, I used to be the first in line, the last to leave, and not afraid to take initiative!!!"

The walk...or rather fast jaunt to my car was a blur. All I remember was opening the car door and then the tears came. I just want to be me again. Being in the hospital is not exactly therapeutic for a grieving widow at times either. There is death around every corner. Someone is always talking about it or a patient and their family is facing it head on. Death is all around.

I will admit that I am much more comfortable with death and talking about it than I ever was before. But I am definitely not at the point where I can face it without having strong feelings and emotions about Kevin creep into my head, and I probably never will.  Today is Grandpa Harold's birthday, he would have been 82. I know they are together smiling down on us now and having a great party, probably fishing. The pictures are from Easter Sunday two years ago when we always celebrated his birthday. Love you Grandpa.