Everyday the fog lifts a little more. I often think back to the first few days, weeks, and months and wonder how I am where I am today. There are times during the day when it still takes me a few seconds to catch my breath and realize what my life is now. I am beginning to miss the old me. I have changed so much in the last 9.5 months that I hardly recognize who I used to be. I look at pictures and wonder who that person is. I think more than anything I have changed for the better...but there are some things that I miss and wish I could have back. I used to be so proactive, I was the one who went the extra mile, did the extra credit, volunteered, I always wanted more. I feel so timid now. I have lost that confidence to be a force and it is really hard to find the strength to be that person again. I had a review with my first attending and it went well other than she told me I needed to be more proactive and push to do more. It took everything I had not to break down and cry right there. I just wanted to scream "that used to be me, I used to be the first in line, the last to leave, and not afraid to take initiative!!!"

The walk...or rather fast jaunt to my car was a blur. All I remember was opening the car door and then the tears came. I just want to be me again. Being in the hospital is not exactly therapeutic for a grieving widow at times either. There is death around every corner. Someone is always talking about it or a patient and their family is facing it head on. Death is all around.

I will admit that I am much more comfortable with death and talking about it than I ever was before. But I am definitely not at the point where I can face it without having strong feelings and emotions about Kevin creep into my head, and I probably never will.  Today is Grandpa Harold's birthday, he would have been 82. I know they are together smiling down on us now and having a great party, probably fishing. The pictures are from Easter Sunday two years ago when we always celebrated his birthday. Love you Grandpa.