I was definitely spoiled last week during spring break when the temp was in the 80's and I was dreaming about soon to come beach days. The last week has been pretty dreary, cold, and overcast. It definitely didn't help that my whole family was on a Caribbean cruise enjoying sun, ocean, and mas margaritas while I was trying to learn my way around a strange hospital and getting back into the groove of medicine again. I am learning more everyday and I love that part...but I also feel like somewhat of an idiot around every corner. There is sooooo much to learn that I feel extremely overwhelmed at times and wonder if I will ever be able to fit it into my brain. I was also thrown into an extremely stressful situation on my 2nd day that I later learned I was never supposed to be apart of anyway!

I am at a teaching hospital which means there are usually lectures and conferences during the day that the students are required to go to. On my schedule I was given for the week it said I had a patient simulation at 11am on Tuesday. Okay, no biggie...I thought. So I show up around 10:55 and it is just me and another med student intern...which means he has about 3 more years of experience than me. For some reason no one else shows up and it is just him and me. So it is explained to us that this is supposed to be a non judgmental, stress free environment for real life situations. The premise is that if we practice these emergent situations enough, the real life events will go much smoother. Seems like a great idea...I thought. Except for the fact that I hadn't had my ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) training since June and I also hadn't looked at a single protocol since then.

So the nurse comes in and calls us into the room of a patient who is having trouble breathing and is confused. I immediately freeze. I LITERALLY couldn't think of a single thing to do. Just to pretend like I was doing something I put my fingers on his wrist to act like I was checking his pulse (which I later realized was actually the correct thing today...yay, one right thing!). I started sweating profusely...its a good thing I had my white coat on or I'm pretty sure this intern would have seen some major pit stains going on. The simulated mannequin (we'll call him Mannie) was actually very high tech. He spoke, had vital signs, and real pulses. All the sudden, Mannie took a turn for the worse and his blood pressure dropped and he stopped breathing. The intern immediately start chest compressions and all I could do was ask for the bag valve mask. I then proceded to put it on his face (upside down) and then just sat there. I didn't squeeze, I didn't say a word...I just continued to sweat profusely. Mind you, this is my 2nd day in a hospital. My previous rotation was in women's health where I saw plenty of vaginas...but NO really sick patients.

While we were in the middle of trying to resussitate Mannie, two other interns finally came in the room and started speaking medical lingo...which were all terms I know and understand, but in my current state of shock, pannic, and profuse sweating, I had no idea what it meant. All I heard were: PEA, ABG's, respiratory acidosis, epi, and bi-carb. FINALLY, the simulation ended and we went back to a room to "discuss" what just went on. Which really turned into me sitting there looking like an absolute idiot and these other wicked smart interns telling each other what had happened. This is when I realized that there were no other PA students, or for that matter even med students under a 3rd year in the room. After I questioned my comrad about it she says "Oh ya, our simulation was cancelled, that was only for the 3rd year med students, you weren't even supposed to go." Great.

All in all it was a good first week on internal medicine. It is definitely times like this that I miss Kevin alot, though. He was always someone I could call and talk about my day. The good, the bad, and everything in between. He would laugh with me about what happened. We were also supposed to be on the cruise with my family. I could have gone but I just know I wasn't ready to do something like that without him, especially when he was supposed to be right there with me. I miss my best friend. The pictures below are from our honeymoon. I was always going to frame the sand picture with "The Konz's" surrounded by our wedding pictures when we finally were able to buy a house and settle in one place.