I feel like somewhat of a vagabond. This week I had to pack up all clothes immediate necessities and move from Waterville, ME to Cumberland, RI.  It definitely makes me think about things I really need, and things I am just holding onto for sentimental value. I have very little new things that I have bought since Kevin died so everything else are things he saw me wear, things he used, or things we used together. I just can't bring myself to get rid of them yet. They aren't necessarily expensive or irreplaceable and it would definitely make my moving process less laboring...but I just can't seem to get rid of them yet.

And then there are my new purchases. Three to be exact. Purchases that I made for me, to do things that make me happy and forget my reality for a few hours. Hours are precious to me because I normally only get minutes, sometimes up to 20 or 30, before my reality once again sets in. The three purchase are:

1) Golf clubs. I made this purchase last summer when I found (almost by accident) a driving range and decided to give it a try. I loved it. It was a way to clear my mind and be outdoors at the same time, two very important things when I was holing myself up in a dark, dingy apartment sitting in pain and depression.

2) Rock climbing harness and shoes. When the weather turned and sitting in my apartment was the only option next to freezing...I decided to turn to exercise. I read many times that exercise was a great way to cope with grief and I literally lived about 10 yards from a YMCA but I couldn't go there. Kevin and I used to go there. We went to spinning together, ran together, lifted weights together, played basketball together. Everything was together. I would walk in the place and literally start having a panic attack. Soooo, I needed to find another outlet and rock climbing was perfect. I also had some great partners to go with so it made it and even better social outing. I was able to  challenge my body and clear my mind...perfect.

3) a DSLR Sony a35 camera. Photography was also very hard for me to do in the beginning. I have always loved photography and have never left my house without a camera. After Kevin died, I couldn't even tell you where my camera was or if it was even charged. I have maybe taken a total of 10 pictures in 9 months. On Friday I just wondered into a camera store and started asking questions. I felt this spark of excitement. It was definitely an impulse buy but I couldn't be happier with my new therapy hobby.

I know that Kevin would want me to be happy in anyway possible and I feel like I keep finding new things that are helping me find the "new" me.  It has been an extremely long road and I have hated my new reality every step of the way. I feel like my new hobbies, however, are giving life to my new reality and with time will help me fully accept and love this "new" me.