Somewhere in between the grieving, attempting to cover up the grieving and all the Christmas events...I got sick. I could feel this coming simply because it had to at some point. I have been going nonstop for about three weeks now once I had a minute to slow down it all caught up with me. I survived Christmas and now it is time for New Years...just one more first down, 6 more months of them to go. I am definitely changing and I have more moments into the glimpses of my old self. It is crazy to look at photographs and wonder who that person even was at times. I feel like I've aged 10 years at times.

I am back in Boise for now and headed to Sun Valley for New Years for some much needed time with the girls to ring in the new year. Alot of people have said to me "I hope 2012 is better for you." I also hope it is a better year, however, Kevin is still not here so it doesn't change how I feel about 2012. It is very sad to me that he never got to see 2012. The year he was supposed to turn 25, the year I will graduate, the year our life was finally going to start. That is what 2012 is to me, the year we were supposed to take off...instead...it is a year that I am continuing to start over.

Merry Christmas everyone! I have said since October that I really just wanted to skip Christmas and New Years all together...go to a remote cave and hibernate until all the joy and happiness is over. What I have realized more than anything is that there are so many people who have suffered tragedy and have found the joy again. Kevin loved Christmas...not for the presents though. It was a time when family was together and the world seemed to stop just simply enjoy what life really is about. The food and going fishing with Lucas were also two added bonuses to the season!

The picture above was taken on Christmas day last year. We were going to send out a "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" card but the move across country and starting school kind of took priority over being organized for Christmas. I always thought we had the next 60 years to send out our Christmas card so it was no big deal. I really wish we had sent this one last year.

We are also missing my very special Grandpa Harold this season. Every Christmas morning for as long as I can remember Grandpa Harold and Grandma Shirley came over for breakfast. When we were younger we would show them all our presents and play the games we got. As we got older the gifts got more practical and the real joy was just being able to spend time with our grandparents. I cherish those memories of Christmas time with my Grandpa.

This picture was taken at Christmas last year. Last night I asked Olivia who was in the picture and she said "That's Kevin...he's with Grandpa in heaven." It melted my heart. I want her to remember her Uncle and how much he loved her and I think he left a lasting impression on her heart.

I miss Kevin so much but I also know that he wants nothing more but for us to love and enjoy living. I'm sure he's attending the best birthday party we could ever imagine today.  Merry Christmas Babe!

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change

I would definitely be lying if I said today is easy. It's not only Christmas Eve, it's also been 6 months. It has been a flood of emotions throughout the day and it all started yesterday. I have been trying to keep myself busy by helping families in need have a joyful Christmas because it is hard to find any myself. I just keep picturing him sitting by me and laughing about our family and making inside jokes. Kevin truly was my best friend. We shared everything, we talked about everything, we had no secrets. We could laugh for hours about nothing at all. We knew each other. I miss him more than ever at this time. I have heard so many sad stories the last couple days about wives who have lost their husbands or children recently and my heart aches for them. This is the most heart wrenching "first" I have to get through this year. I just pray for the families and friends that are also hurting this holiday. I have hope in my heart that it gets better and someday Christmas will be filled with joy again. This time around I just really miss him.

The picture above was taken on Christmas Eve last year. I remember Kevin laughing because you couldn't even see Belle in the picture. That night we played Apples to Apples and Smart Ass with Lucas, Jacob, Theresa and Dominique. I'm pretty sure he won every game we played (of course). It was such a fun night spent with family.

I am finally back in the panhandle state and it feels good to be doing absolutely nothing. Moving put an added stress on top of everything else and I am glad that is over. I feel like I have been focusing on what to do for everything else that I haven't had a second to focus on myself and where I go from here. The answer is...I have absolutely no idea. I still have one more year of school and I am excited about the new learning experiences that will bring. I will be in my clinical rotations, with real patients, and dealing with real clinical issues...not just studying for a multiple choice test. I really miss Kevin on days like today when I had a long day of flying and just wanted to relax on the couch. The picture above is from camping in the Sawtooths the month before we got married. He hated my tie-dye shirt and never let me wear it in public with him so I tortured him at home and camping and wore it all the time. I miss that.

I am still very anxious about Christmas just because I don't know what to expect. Everyone says the days leading up to the holiday are worse than the actual day. That was true for August 8th, our anniversary. That was not true for my birthday. My birthday was one of the worst days I have had yet. I have been nervous and very sad about about Christmas since October so I just hope it goes okay. I will be surrounded by family and I think that is all I can ask for.

I had a little set back yesterday. It all started about a week ago when my phone decided to stop working right before finals and the only way I could communicate with anyone was through text message. Since it was finals week I had no free time to drive 30 minutes away to the nearest Apple store (I have an iPhone) and wait for them to fix it. My mom flew in on Wednesday and has been a big help with getting all my stuff together and ready to move out of this 10 sq. ft. apartment....okay it's not 10 sq. ft, but it sure feels like it! Anyway, my mom and I traveled to the Apple store and the employee helping us said there were a couple things they could try and if it still didn't work I would get a new phone since mine is still under warrenty. Great. Awesome. I just explained to him that I had some extremely important voice mails that I did not want erased and if they were going to do anything that would possibly erase them to wait until I could save them to my computer first. He assured me that nothing would effect the voice mails.

He did whatever he did and the phone still didn't work so he told me to come back on Sunday to get my new phone and give me time to save all my texts and voice mails from Kevin. Great. Awesome.

Then I walk out of the store...look at my voice mails...and they are gone. All of them. I think I almost had a stroke. I'm not sure because I think I blacked out for a second. I started crying and yelling right in the middle of the mall. I went back to the store and the employee just said "Hmmm, not sure why that happened, it never has before!!!!" I couldn't believe it. He never even said he was sorry even thought I was crying hysterically in the middle of the store.

I am better now and realize that a voice mail is not going to make things any easier. It was just such an incredibly unexpected blow on top of everything else that I didn't know how to handle it.

On the bright side though...I am done with my first year of PA school!!!  It was an extremely challenging year (well more so the last 5 months and 3 weeks) but I made it. I know Kevin was helping me every step of the way. It is a little bitter sweet because I know how proud he would be right now. The picture above is from our tour of the Sam Adam's brewery in Boston one of the first weekends we were here.

I feel like school put me in survival mode because I knew I had to put my head down and dig. I am now one day away from being done with the first year and it is starting to become very, very real. Every time I have come home since Kevin's death I have been on a mission..had to complete some sort of task. This time I am just coming home to "be." To be in the moment and fully aware of my reality. And my reality really sucks. This should be a celebratory time for me...I survived the first year of PA school! But I don't see it that way...I only see it as I am finally able to grieve. That is very scary to me because I don't know what's to come. Will it be worse than the beginning? I feel like I am apart of some imaginary ball of string gradually unwinding and with every pull it gets closer and closer to the core.

This song by Hilary Weeks is called Beautiful Heartbreak and it is so inspiring. I listen to it often.  I know there are people who have suffered extreme heartbreak and have come out with a beautiful story in the end. Those people give me so much hope on my darkest days. 

It's a little surreal that after 20 years of attending school...I am preparing for my last finals week ever. It is very difficult to stay motivated and study for the tests, but in the end I know it will be okay. I have gone to hell and back...more than once on this journey and I know that I can conquer anything that life has to throw my way. I don't know why this is my journey but I have faith in God that somehow he will show me the path to complete joy again. I just miss Kevin so much. I miss him telling me how smart, beautiful, and amazing I am. I miss him telling me that everything will be okay. During finals or big tests I became almost non-existent to him because I was so worried about studying and knowing everything that I neglected him at those times. He was always patient and understanding about it and he never got angry, he only supported me. After the test I would apologize to him and he would laugh and say "I know you were only temporarily crazy so don't worry, I'm not mad." I miss his jokes about my temporary insanity when it comes to school.

The picture above was taken in February of this year when we went skiing in New Hampshire. He hadn't been skiing in about three years but of course...he was like a pro and didn't skip a beat. He was such an incredible athlete.

Kevin knew I really needed him today. This morning was rough. I didn't want to get out of bed and I had a flood of emotions that was pushing me down. It was a day I just wanted to curl up and not deal with anything. Then...I got a knock on the door from the UPS man. It was a beautiful dragonfly necklace sent to me by a very special person (thank you Merideth!). It was like he was telling me to get up and go to school. With finals next week I really couldn't afford to replace studying with crying so I stopped, showered, and went to class. I felt it was him telling me I need to get through this last week and a half...one last push. It rained all day and I was still feeling low...just something I couldn't shake, but at least I was able to get up and study.

Tonight was my Christmas party for my support group so it was nice to have a little break from studying to be around people who really understand what the upcoming holidays bring. I left feeling very sad about what Christmas will be like without him and how I really wish I could just hide under a rock until the end of February. When I got home I had two packages and a card in the mail. One was a dragonfly necklace I bought for Kevin's niece, another was a dragonfly bookmark his sister sent me in a card, and the third was a children's book I bought for my niece, cousin, and Kevin's nieces and nephew about dragonflys.

I'm not sure what they chances of all four of these dragonfly symbols arriving on the same day...a day when I really, really needed them is, but it has to be slim to none. I feel like some of the shock is wearing off and the intense reality is setting in now. This day was like one from the beginning, I really needed these dragonfly's and I truly believe Kevin knew that I would today.

So for my year of firsts I can add one to the list. Today I made it through my first church service without crying! I know this may seem like a small feat...but it took me months to even go to church and then it has taken me a couple more months just to sit and not cry. I always think about the first time we went to church together or what he would be wearing. The first time we went to church together in Boise we met Pastor Collins and I immediately felt at home. A couple weeks later we met with him and asked him to officiate our wedding. That day he and Kevin talked about the Lutheran religion and he gave Kevin and I some books on the history and background of the Lutheran faith. Kevin was never much of a reader, but he took those home and read all of them. He would even show me things when I got home from work or school and we would talk about what they meant and how we could apply the teaching today. I miss that. I miss going to church with him.

I can't believe it's already December. I feel like it was just yesterday that Kevin and I had loaded the trailblazer for the trip across country to start school. I remember the first two weeks of school and thinking "holy crap...I still have the rest of the year...I don't know if I can make it." Now there are two weeks left and I have made it through more than anyone should ever have to. I do get the strength from him to keep going, to get up everyday and at least try. I usually do feel better after I am up and busy doing some kind of activity. My brain still struggles though. I thought is was just me being more forgetful and foggy than usual but all the books and people I have talked to refer to it as "Widow Brain." I use to hate that word at first: Widow. It's a label. I hate being labeled. But I have learned to embrace it. I am living, I am going to school, and I am surviving even if I am a Widow. I am stronger than I ever thought possible and I only continue to grow. Some days are still much harder than others, but even on the hard days I can now make myself get up and do something. Even if it's something small, it's an accomplishment. I wasn't even able to make myself go outside in the beginning and now I make it mandatory for myself. I think that is some pretty good self growth.

The picture above is from Kevin and I's adventure across country. It was taken on December 31st 2010, the first day of our drive. Kevin drove about 40 of our 45 hour drive...he always loved to drive though. He turned into a Chatty Cathy when he was a passenger. I think it was because he was so bored that he just said every thought that came into his head...which was very uncommon for him to do.

It was been an extremely emotional and exhausting  week. I feel like I am climbing an unpredictable mountain that has never been charted before. Some days are steep and it's hard to even get my footing, then someday I feel like I hit a small plateau and I'm able to enjoy the sun for a moment, then there are the holidays and special anniversary days.  On those days...and sometimes the whole week I feel like I am climbing the steepest part of the mountain while a storm also rages. Thanksgiving was definitely that time. I knew this would be hard from the beginning but somehow it seemed much harder than I anticipated. It was really hard for me to be thankful for anything this year. Which is not true. I am thankful for my amazing support system. Kevin and I have great friends and family that have been nothing but supportive and have helped me through this tragic time. I am also thankful for the love that I shared with Kevin and how loved he made me feel. I wouldn't take back a single day I ever had with him.

The pictures are from Thanksgiving last year. It was Kevin and I's first time hosting dinner so the pressure was on! We tried out recipes for weeks before so everything was perfect. We had a turkey baked in the oven and a deep fried turkey. Putting the turkey in the fryer was the main event of the day. I think everybody in the house gathered around to watch. When he lowered the turkey in...nothing happened. He stuck his finger in the oil and said "oops...I guess I should have turned the heater on first," then smiled with his goofy grin and laughed. I miss that laugh.

With Thanksgiving fast approaching I am reminded of the all the ones I spent with Kevin. The first year was the only one we spent apart. We were always with his family on the next three years. First at his parents, then in Modesto with his sister and beautiful nieces and nephew, and last year was our turn. We were in Alturas at a rental home and Kevin had made a fence for Duke and Belle that we "thought" was good enough to keep them in. The week before Thanksgiving I came home from work to find a note on our door that read:

Dear Neighbors,

Our seven year old caught your dog mauling our Tom turkey this morning. The turkey did not survive and we are now missing the other turkey and some chickens. Please contact us as soon as possible.

I was mortified! I called Kevin almost in tears. The neighbors had put Duke and Belle back in the back yard and fixed the hole they escaped out of. When I looked in the back yard all I could see was a pile of feathers. I know Duke was not the only culprit because Belle had a tiny feather stuck to her nose and looked at me like "what the hell did I do?" When Kevin got home we went to the neighbors and they were very gracious. It turns out, Duke ate the turkey that was supposed to feed their church congregation for Thanksgiving dinner. Again...I was mortified. Their only request was that we replace the turkey with a frozen one for their church. To make matters EVEN worse...the woman was 9 months pregnant and being induced in 2 days. I was so embarrassed for my animal children that behaved so badly! Kevin and I went strait to the grocery store and bought the biggest turkey we could find...unfortunately due to the astronomical prices in the small town store, the turkey was $40!!! We paid like 1/6 that when we shopped two days later in Kalamath Falls, OR! 

I have been very blessed to find a great support group in Manchester while I am here. It is an eight week program that focuses on different stages of grief and how to manage them throughout this journey. It is not just for widows and widowers which I thought I would not like at first. How could somebody who hasn't lost their spouse truly relate to what I am going through? I was very wrong. I can relate to every person in that group somehow or someway and I wish the group could go on forever. I feel like I have gotten to know each of their loved ones through them and my heart breaks for each of them. I wish I would never have to know about this group, I wish I would never have had to seek out help in the first place...but I'm glad I did. I miss Kevin so much everyday. The more time that passes the more I cannot grasp that I will never get to talk to him again. If I have learned anything through going to a support group it is that every person grieves in their own unique way. What helps one person, may not help another at all. What makes one person feel at peace may bring another into depression and tears. Someday I hope to lead a support group and guide others through this journey and help others see how they are not alone.

Monday night football...Vikings vs. Packers. The only time I would root against the Vikings with Kevin was when they would play the Green Bay. He was always such a grouch after Minnesota lost and was in the best mood when they won. One of the best vacations he ever took was with my dad and brothers for their "guys trip." It was the year after Favre was traded to the Vikings and the game was at Lambeau field. When he found out they were going he tried to be so cool about it, like it was no big deal but he was skipping around like a little girl underneath. He was a Vikings fan his whole life and this was THE game to go to. He had such a great time. He talked about it for a year and was so grateful my dad and brothers were able to share that with him. The only thing that would have made it perfect for him is if his dad and brothers had been able to share it with him also. He loved his family...he loved my family.

The pictures are at Lambeau field on October 5, 2009.
Green Bay 23
Vikings     30

Two years ago today my beautiful Aunt Brenda went home to God. She was an inspiration to me in so many ways and continues to push me to succeed in every way. I miss her more now than ever. She would help me through this time, she would tell me push on, she would tell me that someday it won't hurt so bad. I now have Uncle Mitch telling me those things. He knows, he understands, and he gets every part of what I am going through. Today he text me a Bible verse that I needed so badly. I know if he can do it, I can do it. The image of Kevin and Aunt Brenda welcoming us one day is a peaceful image.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18: Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us and eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

This picture was taken at her house for my bridal portraits. I told her I wanted a picture of her and I and she said "okay, wait a minute and I'll get my dress on." Fifteen minutes later she came out with her the wedding dress she had worn 34 years prior in her wedding. It was like it was no big deal...doesn't everybody have their wedding dress hanging in their closet "just in case?" It was classic Brenda. I am so blessed to have this photo with her.

Love you and miss you Aunt Brenda!

Today has been a low day. I have an exam tomorrow which always brings a higher level of stress, but all I want to do today is hear his voice telling me everything will be okay. All the stages have come full force today...anger, guilt, denial...they're all here. I had to leave class today for the first time since my birthday. The thing is, I was waiting for this. It's like I had too many good days in a row and I knew that was abnormal. It started on Saturday and the days have progressively gotten worse until I hit my breaking point today. I don't want to talk to anyone, talking about anything but Kevin just pisses me off because that is the only thing on my mind. Right now I could careless about my test, but I absolutely have to do well on it. My grade matters and somehow I have to pull my head out of the darkness and attempt to focus...just for the rest of the day. These are the days I need Kevin so badly...but if he were here...I wouldn't be having these days.

We lit memorial candles today in church. I tried to hide the tears welling up while waiting to line to light mine and set it with the others. As I was waiting in line an older woman passed me while on her way to her seat and I saw a shimmer of light come from her jacket. As I looked down I almost completely lost it...it was a beautiful crystal dragonfly pin. My blog from August 23rd will explain what dragonflys mean to me. They have become a way for Kevin to tell me he sees me and hears when I talk to him (I talk to him often), and that he is always with me. He knew at that moment how hard it was for me to be so alone lighting a candle for him, instead of having him right next to me lighting a candle for others. That candle was also lit for my Aunt Brenda and Grandpa Harold. I know they are all together in heaven and our time on this earth is temporary until we are joined together again. At times that thought is comforting, and other times it still makes me angry. Kevin should still be here with me. I shouldn't be lighting a candle in his memory. But...I know that is what I do now. I love him, I remember him, I honor him.

Thanks for the dragonfly babe, I needed it today.

I ran out of gas today. Yes I know it was dumb but what are ya gonna do? The gas gauge in my car broke 3 days before our wedding and there was no way in hell I was going to take my car in and get it fixed considering the crazy amount of errands I had to run that whole week. Then...3 days after we got married, the warranty ran out. I have done fairly well resetting the trip meter and when it reaches around 300 I know I should be stopping for gas sometime in the near future (it goes to 330). Well...I ran out of gas on a busy exit on mile 299. I had a friend with me and she stayed in the car while I walked to the gas station, filled a little red gallon tank, and walked back to the car. The whole escapade took about 20 minutes and no harm done. It wasn't until after I got in the car that the water works started. It wasn't the fact that I ran out of gas...it only took me 20 minutes before I was on my way. It was the fact that I couldn't call Kevin and tell him about it that made the wave of grief hit me like tsunami. It was the fact that I couldn't hear him laugh at me, tell me he's glad I'm okay, and then laugh at me some more about it that was so incredibly hard. It is small things like this that make a fairly okay day turn into a curl up on the couch and not get up day. I am going to force myself to go out with some friends and hopefully it will wash over...I would give anything to hear his laugh again.

As time continues and there are more and more seconds, minutes, hours, days, and now months since the last time I saw Kevin or heard his voice, I feel like my memories are getting so foggy. Some people say this is normal, that it happened to them also and sometime after 6-8 months, the memories returned with crisp clarity. I feel like I have to look at pictures to remember anything anymore. That's one thing I loved about Kevin, he never complained when I wanted to take pictures...and I took alot of them so it was nice that he was always prepared with his endless smile. The picture above was taken on our honeymoon in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. We caught tuna and some other type of fish that we kept and gave to our hotel to prepare for us. They brought out this feast with fish they had cooked several different ways, it was amazing! The chef prepared it for free and Kevin could not believe that somebody would do that for us so he tracked down the chef and gave him a 20$ tip. Kevin had the biggest smile on his face the whole time, it was such a great night. It is memories like this that I love to think about. I miss him so much and I will cherish these memories forever.

Halloween is not so exciting when there is snow on the ground and freezing temps outside. It is nice to relax after a long weekend of studying for tough test today. Seeing snow on the ground brings me back to the first time Kevin and I rolled into Manchester in January. Even though it was extremely cold and snow was present, we traveled to the ocean several times because we never lived so close before. Halloween does bring me back to last year when we made our first big purchase as a married couple when we bought our white 2008 Toyota Tundra. It was such a big moment for us, like we were finally adults. I always wanted Kevin to dress up as Zack Galifianakis or Zac Brown because I thought they looked so much alike when he had his beard. It is hard seeing couples costumes, I thought we would have the rest of our lives to dress up together.

Happy Halloween everyone, Please be safe

The dictionary has two definitions of resilience: 1) the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity. 2) Ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy. We are into our psychiatric portion of classes right now (something that I have always been interested in) and yesterday the professor mentioned that resilient individuals have the ability to cope with extreme tragedy in a way that they will become better and stronger having gone through it. I believe I am resilient. Kevin was also very resilient. He had the ability to turn any situation into a positive one, and people just wanted to be around him. It's also why he was great at his job. Nothing phased him. The picture below is of him cutting a tree down on a fire the summer of 2007.

I have referred to my journey many times as a roller coaster, however, I also sometimes feel like I'm drowning in the ocean and grabbing for anything, or anyone to keep me afloat. The second definition of resilience mentions buoyancy, or the ability to stay afloat. This is where I am, I am simply buoyant right now. I'm not swimming gracefully, snorkeling for fun, or wake boarding on a hot afternoon...I am simply keeping my head above water. The definition of resiliency does give me hope, that someday in the future I will return to my original form after being compressed. However, I will never be 100% who I was because Kevin has changed me for the better in so many ways, he will always be apart of who I am.



 

Today has been a good day. It is surprising because today is the 4 month anniversary. It is also very relieving because I have had quite a few bad days in a row... I was well over due for a good one. This also comes at a good time because I have two exams in a row this week and I need to be focused to study. I know Kevin is watching out for me, it is just still so hard to believe he is gone though. I still think about him all day long, but I have periods of focus that are returning to me. I was able to clean my apartment and do laundry...in the same day! This may sound like a very small feat, but to me it is huge. It is days like this, these glimmers of hope that keep me going and keep me moving forward. I get up everyday and I try for Kevin. I started this journey long ago for me, for my dreams and goals, and for our future. I continue now in his honor and my future.

The picture above is from camping in the South Hills in Idaho with some good friends in the summer of 2008.

Things have leveled out a little after the big day Tuesday. I didn't think I would take quite a hit with my birthday but I was definitely knocked down pretty hard. I guess it was a little taste of the holidays to come, which really is a hard season to look forward to. Everyone is having Halloween parties and planning costumes to have a great time. I always tried to get Kevin to dress up and go as some kind of couple but he was not a fan of dressing up.

The one time we did anything for Halloween was the first year we were together when a bunch of us from the fire crew went around throwing eggs and rotten tomatoes at each other. I was mad at Kevin that night because he was paying more attention to his friends than me...oh how young we were. Some of the girls and I went in an "unnamed" building in Cedarville and hid eggs in places I think people are still finding today. It was one of the most memorable Halloween's I have. Kevin threw an egg so hard at one of the girls he broke her glasses and made her cry. Needless to say...the egg fight was over and he felt HORRIBLE! I think he apologized a hundred times (he still felt bad about that one Becca!). From now until February 21st (his birthday) I will have some true tests of faith and strength.

The picture above is from my 23rd birthday...my first one after Kevin and I became a couple.

Soooo, today is my birthday. Not exactly "happy" but it is still a day of bitter sweet memories and emotions. I have been shown a tremendous amount of love from coast to coast on this 27th year of my life. I have had many heartfelt texts, calls, messages, cards, and a few very sentimental gifts sent my way today from the east to the west. These last four months have given more life lessons than all the other years combined. The one thing I have been taught very much today...is that I am very loved.

I woke up with the flood gates opened and the tears would not stop. No matter how much I willed them to. I couldn't even stay in class because I was afraid I might soak the carpet through to the next floor! I just kept thinking about how he would have called me at midnight, text me all day, sent me flowers, sent me a card with a wonderful message of how much he loved me, etc. He was terrible at birthdays...but he was getting better every year. He finally got the concept that I required a whole birthday week...and sometimes two if I could really stretch it. The first year we were together he didn't even get me a card. His birthday gift was a Columbia vest that he made me pick out at Cabela's...at the end of November! I was 2 1/2 years older than him and he never made me forget it. He was always asking me when my AARP card was coming and telling me to order off the senior menu so we could get a discount. Some days I miss him, and some days I really really really miss him. This is one of those REALLY miss him days.

The picture is from our October birthdays party in Cedarville last year. It was a great night, we had so much fun together. And yes...he is licking my face : )

I went to the Brew Fest in Portsmouth, NH yesterday with some friends. It was a good time and definitely something Kevin would have liked to do. There was live music, tons of people, and around 30 breweries that had several different beers to sample. Kevin always liked microbrews and the occasional IPA, but he was a Keystone Light boy at heart. Especially on a hot summer day, he would love to come home after work and crack open the cheapest beer in the store...not because it was cheap, but because he actually liked it. He was so down to earth and truly loved to just be outdoors enjoying the company of his friends and family. The picture above is from one of our campfires in Cedarville, just Kevin enjoying life with friends and a Keystone Light.

It's hard to remember what my life was like before Kevin died anymore, what my normal used to be.  I would give anything in the world to have that normal back again.  It's raining today.  I hate rainy days.  They are so gloomy and depressing.  I miss Kevin enough and being outside is sometimes the only thing that can lift my spirits. When it's raining I have to settle for being indoors and starring at a grey, cloudy sky. Kevin loved to be outdoors also.  I think that's part of the reason he liked being a firefighter so much, because his job was outdoors and physical.  He hated sitting around.  I started reading a book called "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye" by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair. I would recommend this book to anyone who has lost a loved one so suddenly. An excerpt from the Introduction that I read today was inspiring that slowly time will change my grief and I may begin to like what my normal is again.

After losing someone we love, we begin again. We learn how to take courageous baby steps, how to walk and talk, how to dream different dreams, how to trust again, and how to create life anew while honoring the past. We are forever changed. We see life differently. More than anyone else, we understand the value of each minute, we understand the importance of saying what needs to be said today, we understand what is truly important.

I feel very blessed to be apart of the life Kevin had before he left us. I visited friends this weekend who were in Kevin's life far before we met and were a very important part of his life. I truly believe I have been able to get through this so far because of the amazing support system I have and it just continues to show me love.

Little things that I miss about Kevin have started show through the last couple weeks and it's like a little stab in the heart when I remember them. Things like the way he would hold my hand or slap my butt when he would walk behind me. I used to get so mad at him when he would do that and he would always sincerely apologize and then crack a little smile because he knew exactly what he was doing. I have had some encounters with very rude strangers for no reason at all lately. Kevin was always so cordial, even to strangers who were rude. It is one of the qualities that attracted me the most to him. I remember the first time we went to a convenience store and there was an older lady that looked like she was having a rough night. Kevin started a conversation with her and by the time we left, she was laughing and smiling like it was the first time in a while someone actually took the time to talk to her. It was really great to see that in him. The picture above is one from our wedding that I really love. It shows his great smile, dimples, and love for life that he always had.    

The weather is changing, and so am I. The cold is a crisp reminder of how life goes on no matter what happens. The only constant in life is that it it is constantly changing. On June 24th my life changed in such a drastic measure that I am still trying to catch my breath. I don't know what I would do without school and friends right now. It is my one driving force that I have something to look forward to, that I have a future. I miss Kevin telling me how proud of me his is and how much he loves me. I have become acutely aware of how trivial I used to be and how much I used to worry about things that really don't matter. Kevin was always so level and made me realize what the important things in life were; family and friends. The church I found here has some great people and I feel like God was directing me to them. The first week of exams are done and the countdown until December is on. I just have to keep going.

John 16:20 "Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy."

Today I just really miss him. I could really use some encouragement to get through school until December. I just need him to tell me it's all worth it and I shouldn't stress about things. Since he has been gone, so has my motivation and concentration. I find myself reading for 10 minutes...and starring out the window for an hour. The picture above is from our wedding reception in Cedarville. Kevin had very few dress shirts (two) and the blue one was my favorite, he always looked so handsome in it. Today I just really miss him.

The World Championship Chili Cook off is in Manchester this weekend and I am pretty excited to go.  It brings back memories of last fall when Kevin and I went to the chili cook off in Alturas and ate so much that we made ourselves sick.  Kevin loved chili...well Kevin loved just about any kind of food, especially spicy food.  When he would cook dinner (which was most of the time) he would always add Sriracha hot sauce...to everything!  I am not a fan of spicy food so he would always wait for me to dish my food before he added it to the mix. He called it "cock sauce" because it had a big picture of a rooster on it. The first time I saw a bottle in the grocery store I started crying and had to leave...I have avoided that aisle since. He always hated to share food and knew that I would always have a couple bites of whatever he ordered at a restraunt.  After a while he started ordering the spiciest thing on the menu just so I wouldn't want to eat any of it. I miss that.

I had my first phone call from someone that asked to talk to Kevin yesterday.  It was someone from a resort we had two free nights stay at and she was wondering when we wanted to make our reservations. I just froze and told her he passed away and hung the phone up. We got the free stay by listening to a time share pitch in Arizona during one of my interviews for school and we thought it would make a nice getaway in the future.  The picture above is in Arizona the day we went to the time share pitch.

It's only Tuesday, but this week has already been on the upside compared to last week.  I have been wanting to find a church or even just a pastor to talk to since I have been back and it has been somewhat of an inner struggle to go to a place of God.  I felt like yesterday morning was my breaking point and instead of meeting friends for coffee like I had planned, I drove to a Lutheran church and met with the pastor.  It was where I needed to be. I know alot of people have trouble with accepting "God's plan" and I have had my share feelings of that since Kevin died.  He was way to young and had way too much life in him for this to be "God's plan." I do, however, believe that God wants us to be happy and I know more than anything, Kevin wants me to be happy and find joy in life again. There was something in the Wildland Firefighter Foundation newsletter this fall that really struck me. I want to honor Kevin everyday and sometimes I struggle with how to do that.  This really hit home and I hope those who read this will also continue to honor him:

TO HONOR YOU,
    I get up every day and take a breath and start another day without you in it.

TO HONOR YOU,
   I laugh and love with those who knew your smile and the way your eyes twinkled with mischief
  and secret knowledge.

TO HONOR YOU,
   I listen to the music you would have liked and sing it at the top of my lungs, with the windows
  rolled down.

TO HONOR YOU,
  I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back, risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.

You were my life, my heart, my gift of love from the very highest source.  So every day,  I vow to
make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh, and love.  Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.
                                                                            -TCF Atlanta Online Sharing

Football has been hard to get into this fall.  Kevin loved watching college and pro football on the weekends.  Since he met me I was slowing molding him into a BSU fan and the last few seasons he was starting to get on board.  He loved watching how crazy my mom would get over the games, and he would always try to get her all worked up by talking about "if they lost the game" scenarios.  He was always still a Nevada fan at heart and I knew he was happy when they beat BSU last year, even though he wouldn't show it in front of my mom.  It is a great memory standing in the freezing cold weather with Kevin at that game.  I will never forget him trying to hide his excitement from my parents because he didn't want them to feel bad.

I have mentioned this before and read in many books, but it has never been more apparent than this week...grief is like a roller coaster.  I felt like I was doing "OK" and then out of nowhere, I feel like I've been hit by a mac truck.  There was nothing in particular that triggered it.  I just woke up and felt like I was back at the first week.  Maybe it's because Saturday will be the 3 month mark.  We are studying pregnancy in school right now, which is both fascinating and extremely sad at the same time.  I wanted to have kids with Kevin so badly and he would have been such a great dad.  We were trying to be responsible and have our life in order before it happened and now all I can think about sometimes is that I wish I had that part of him with me.  A child that was ours.  I truly believe there is a greater plan...but at times like this it is hard to see what that plan could possibly be.

The picture above is from our honeymoon.  It was always one of my favorites because I would tell people "our kids are gonna have the best eyes."

Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."

The shock and numbness has been wearing off and I can definitely tell the difference.  I remember the week after it happened and I can't imagine that feeling again.  It was horrible, it was like life, as I knew it, was over forever.  I know Kevin would never want me to feel like that, and thankfully that feeling has passed.  The feeling of hope is one that cling to.  Before this happened I feel like I lived life in a blissfully naive state and was completely unaware of what things could really be like.  When talking to other widows and friends who have lost someone they loved so much it is like life takes on a new meaning.  I cherish the relationships I have so much more.  Kevin was such an incredible person and I was always in awe of how he could never say a bad thing about anyone.  He was truly an inspiration to me to seek the good in everyone.
          I love the picture above of him.  He was so content sitting at home watching the Vikings game with me, Konrad, and a Bud Light.  I was never much of a fan of watching the Vikings...I miss fighting over the remote with him.

I really hate the weekends.  I feel like I have to fill my time up with things to do just to get through them.  This weekend I decided to take a trip to Fort Fairfield, ME to see where we lived when I was 5-7 years old.  I remember our house well and remember telling Kevin memories I had from that place.  When he came back to New Hampshire this fall we were going to make the trip together.  It's about a 7 hour drive from Manchester, which is about the same amount of time it normally took us to drive from Boise to Cedarville.  It was a good drive and gave me alot of time to think about things, but it mostly just gave me time to miss him.  I saw our old house and memories came flooding back.  I remember the front porch, the big barn on the side, the pond in the back where I cut my chin open, the trees where Jacob tipped the 4-wheeler over and I broke my collar bone...it was really cool to see it again.  I also went to the golf course that is half in the U.S. and half in Canada to hit balls at the driving range.  It is a beautiful course and Kevin would have loved it.  It's so lonely without my best friend to share these things with.  I really miss you babe...

I finally had a good day yesterday.  It felt like an accomplishment because it had been so long since I have had a good day.  Today was an okay day, which is great considering what bad days are like sometimes.  I have taken up golfing as a way to get out of my apartment and feel like I am in control.  Don't get me wrong, I am still terrible, but at least for the hour that I am at the driving range I feel like a semi-normal human.  I even bought golf clubs.  Financial decisions have been somewhat of a struggle because Kevin and I always made every decision together.  Anything over 50$ was considered a big purchase due to our limited budget and we would have to talk about whether or not the purchase was necessary.  Golf clubs would have definitely been on the "not necessary" list when he was here, but I felt like it was something I needed to buy, like a gift for going through this.  I know he was there smiling at me and saying "it's okay to buy them...you deserve them."  I always feel better when I am outside and doing something and golfing makes me feel closer to him because he liked to do it so much.  I just wish we would have had more time to golf together.  The picture is from the first time we went golfing together.  It was such a fun day and I remember feeling like I had finally found someone that I can be myself around and feel completely comfortable. 

Today is one of those that puts life into perspective.  As I watched the celebrations for remembering the victims of 9/11 I can't help but think of all the people that lost so many loved ones, especially the women and men that lost their spouses.  It is such a deep loss when it happens, but to have that loss on such a tragic level had to be incredibly hard.  When Kevin died, all I could think about was that no one knew my pain, and no one had ever felt what I felt.  It took a couple weeks to come back to reality and realize that I was not alone.  It was also a comforting feeling to know that others have felt the loss of a love so deep they never thought they could live again.  And to know they were living and happy again was even more comforting.  I went to a support group for widows on Friday and it was an incredible experience.  The women were all older than me and had been married to their husbands for many more years, but they still understood and were very compassionate to my story.  I belong to a club that nobody wants to be apart of, but the members are so amazing and I know that we can get through this together.  I miss Kevin every second of the day.  Sometimes it hurts just as bad as day one, and sometimes it is just a small cut, but my heart is broken all the time. 

The picture above was from Ian's graduation.  I love this picture because it captures Kevin's smile and beautiful eyes when they were so alive and happy, as he always was.

It has been raining almost nonstop since I have been back on the east coast.  It makes me miss the desert and my dry weather when I wake up to a dreary morning and overcast sky all day.  Mornings are definitely the hardest.  Everyday I wake up it's like a ton of bricks hits my chest and stays there until I get up and get ready for the day.  The trick has definitely been to keep my mind busy.  I can actually force myself to pay attention in class if I have a pencil and highlighter in my hand.  Sometimes I will randomly highlight sentences just look like I am taking notes.  As the cold weather comes it reminds me of Kevin and I's first summer together in Cedarville.  Our whole crew would gather and build giant fires and have a great time for hours.  Nothing is better than being surrounded by friends and the beauty of the outdoors while relaxing and having a good time after a hard day at work.  When Kevin and I met were were literally together 24/7 for the first 5 months of our relationship because we worked together and had to live in the barracks together.  We ate breakfast, went to work, and hung out the rest of the day after work.  After all that time together, I still couldn't get enough of him.  How could you with that amazing smile?  The picture above is from one of the bonfires our first summer together.

First day back and school and we are already in the full swing of things.  Yesterday was a really tough day so it was nice to be busy all day long today to keep my mind going.  I had to go grocery shopping due to the extremely outdated OJ and moldy veggies in my refrigerator and figured I was overdue for a trip to the supermarket.  As I got to the cheese section I found myself looking for Horseradish cheese because it was always something Kevin and I loved to eat with crackers for a snack.  I think I looked in the specialty cheese section for 15 minutes before realizing it probably wasn't there...and it made me really sad.  Kevin loved to go grocery shopping (something most men avoid at all costs).  Most of all, he loved when we could go together, it was like our special time together when we could plan out meals and spend time laughing in the store.  I used to look forward to that time too...even waiting in a long line at Winco wasn't so bad when we were together.  At least today was better than yesterday and I have learned to hang on to every positive that I can find lately.

I am finally back on the east coast...and no there was no damage to my car or apartment as many of you asked during my break.  Konrad is still alive and kick'in and won't leave my sight.  Belle is still in the loving care of her fairy god mother, Danielle, and I will get to see her tomorrow.  Grandpa's service yesterday was beautiful and he would have been very proud.  My grandma was so strong and I know she was putting such a brave face on for grandpa.  It was almost like I could see what I was two months ago through her eyes.  I wanted Kevin to be proud of me after his memorial service so I put on a brave face when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry for hours.  When I landed in New Hampshire I felt like I was home, like God knew I needed to get into school here not for the education, but to help me through the most difficult time in my life.  I have some angels here that I know will help me through the next stage in my life.  I feel like my grandpa and Kevin are so connected and I will rarely think about one without the other now. 
         The picture above is from Kevin and I's rehearsal dinner.  I had planned such a great day of floating the river and catered Mexican food at a park with beach volley ball and frisbee.  My plans were ruined by the rain and I was devastated.  Kevin took me in his arms that day and wiped away my tears as he told me it would be okay and the rain didn't ruin anything because no matter what...we were still getting married the next day.  Even though Kevin wasn't with me yesterday, I still felt like he wiped away my tears because I know grandpa was with him.

Romans 15:13 "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

My grandpa Harold joined Kevin on Sunday.  He was in pain and it was his time to go, but that doesn't make it easier that I don't get to see him anymore.  I just remember every time we came to visit my grandparents and Kevin would give grandpa a big handshake and say "How ya' doin Harold."  Grandpa would smile and say something funny and they would both smile and laugh.  I just picture that happening in heaven.  Kevin gave him a big hug and said "Hey Harold, it's good to see ya'...let me show ya' around."  I love them both so much, it's almost a peaceful feeling knowing they are together looking over us.  I saw the love between my grandpa and grandma everyday and I couldn't wait until Kevin and I were married for over sixty years like them. 

              It's been a hard two months...it would be nice if things started to get better sometime soon.

It's hard to believe it's been two months.  At times it feels like I haven't seen or talked to him in years and other times it seems like he died yesterday.  I went camping last weekend and all I could think about is how much he would have loved it, but then I thought, he loved everything so it's going to be pretty hard to enjoy something knowing he also would have been there with his giant smile right along with me.  Summer meant fighting fires, camping, golfing, and fishing; Fall meant hunting and fishing; Winter meant relaxing and fishing; Spring meant getting ready for fire, golfing, camping, and fishing.  One particular day after we moved to Boise he was so excited to take me to this special spot to fish that he found while on a fire.  It was somewhere in the middle of nowhere south of Boise and when we got there I thought "this place looks exactly like any other place we could have fished that wouldn't have been a two hour drive," but of course I didn't say that because he was so excited.  We fished for about and hour before he got really excited and wanted to show me where the fire had been.  As he started talking about it I realized he took me there to show me the fire because he had been the Incident Commander Trainee on it and he had directed all the resources to put it out.  His eyes lit up and he explained who he called and how the engines got down into the canyon.  Kevin rarely tooted his own horn but I was so proud of him.  Every time I told him I was proud of him he blushed.  The world needs more Kevin's.