I have been taking full advantage of my time off and visiting friends and family around the West Coast. I left for Colorado last Friday to see Kevin's Uncle and Aunt. It is so great to stay connected to Kevin's family and hear stories and see pictures that I have never seen before. It is like I get to know and love him more even more after he is gone. We went skiing at Breckenridge and stayed in an amazing resort with a beautiful view. Any outdoor activity helps to reset my emotions and feel alive again and skiing is definitely an amazing way to spend time outdoors. I switched from ski's to a board in the 4th grade and have never looked back...until now. The last couple times I went snowboarding I think I spent more time face flat on the snow than upright so I decided to try skiing again (you know....give my old joints and bones a break : ). It was definitely a little shaky the first couple runs but once I (somewhat) got the hang of it, it was like riding a bike. Uncle Mike was a great teacher and I felt so blessed to be able to be outdoors in the Rockie's with someone Kevin always looked up to.

I flew from Colorado to Modesto, CA to see Kevin's sister, brother, and nieces and nephew. It fills my heart to be with the people the that loved Kevin so much and tell stories with laughter about him. It makes me smile when the little ones call me "Aunt Whitney." There are always good moments and bad moments in every day but when I am with Kevin's family I know that I am also with my family.

We watched a movie called "Courageous" last night. It is a Christian movie, but the message behind it is so powerful. I would encourage everybody to watch that movie. It may not be a blockbuster hit...but it hit so close to home that I would recommend it to every family. No one person or family is immune to tragedy. Before Kevin died I had the attitude that "Bad things don't happen to me, it is always someone else that will carry that burden." I truly believe that it is not what happens to a person that shapes who they are...it is how that person reacts, adapts, and changes for good that will shape that person.

Love your family today...don't put it off until tomorrow.

I know I haven't written much in the last couple weeks but I have been very busy off and on (which is a good thing) and haven't had time to sit and gather my thoughts at times. This weekend was so great. I visited some very good friends of Kevin and I's in Utah, went shopping with my cousin, and had an amazing conversation with a young woman who is also currently going through the same journey as me. She is a little over two years out and offered such great wisdom and inspiration to me. We both agreed that through our circumstances God truly has put people and events in our life to help us through this uphill journey and get us to the other side. We still have the struggle, but we also have the angels to pick us up when we feel like we can no longer go on at times.

Shopping was also on my "much needed" list. I will be entering my rotations soon and my wardrobe still consists of sweats from basketball, jeans, and a few nice things I had from school shopping last year. I was in need of a major upgrade. My cousin Tyler, was a great shopping buddy! Not only did he have some great input on my fashion choices...but he also carried my bags!  What a guy! It was a successful day for my wardrobe and my soul : )

After Kevin died, I had a very hard time listening to music. Even now I will change the radio if I hear a certain song and just can't handle it at the moment. I have gotten much better and now I find myself actually listening to the lyrics of songs rather than just the music itself like I used to. There are songs that I have heard a hundred times before that take on a completely different meaning and truth to me. Today I heard Garth Brooks "The Dance." I've always known the lyrics, I've always been able to sing the entire song by heart...but today was the first time I actually "listened" to the lyrics with my heart.

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

Oh Geezzzzz! The up and down roller coaster of grief has sent me on a pretty wild ride the last couple weeks. With the holidays and finally having time off, my days are more like a child's roller coaster than anything. They are up, down, there is crying, the occasional fit, laughing, some more crying, and finally the day is over and I am back where I started. I am still on break from school until February (which I am very, very glad I decided to take) so I have LOTS of time to fill up during the day. I love Boise. The people, the restaurants, the mountains, but most important...my friends and family. It is really nice to be around people who really knew Kevin. I love to hear stories that I have never heard about him. I think that one of the best ways to keep his spirit alive and inspire others to be like him. He was such an incredible man and had such a kind heart. I have said this before but...the world needs more Kevin's. I miss his smile, but that encourages me to smile everyday. I miss his laugh, but that makes me want to laugh everyday. I miss his compassion and love for others, and that just makes me want to be a better person everyday for him.

It seems like anyone and everyone around me has a story about someone who is getting married, buying a house, or having a baby. Although these are very joyous occasions in anyone's life, I find it hard to be "totally" happy for them at this point in my journey. I remember when I got engaged and couldn't wait to shout it from the roof top. I think I called anyone and everyone I knew because I was so excited. We were so excited. I think I had my wedding planned in my head since I was 5 so it only took about two weeks for it all to fall in place. Of course I had to ask Daddy for the budget...but it all worked out even better than I ever expected. I got the wedding, but now I'm left with only dreaming about what our first house would look like, or if our first baby would have been a boy or girl.

When I hear about those joyous occasions I have learned how to put on my "happy face." Which only partly a lie. I DO feel happy for them...but I also feel very sad and cheated for myself and Kevin. We were only married 1 year, 10 months, 2 weeks, and 2 days. Our together was incredible, but it was also incredibly short. Sometimes hearing of joyous occasions is not so rough. But then there are days like today when the roller coaster has unexpectedly taken a dive and for some reason those losses sting just a little bit more. I know I will not always have to fake the "happy face," but at this point it is hard to tell what I will have to do in the next month, 6 months, or even a year.

Shortly after we got married we went to Target to spend all our gift cards. It was one of my best memories with Kevin. Rolling around the store laughing about all the crazy things we could buy. He wanted this giant coffee thermos and I thought he was joking because a)he rarely made coffee in the morning and b)people would make fun of him with a mug like that. However, he was totally serious and thus we purchased the hideous mug that was used a total of 2 times the year we lived in Boise. There was one purchase that we made that is very special to me today. It's a baby names book. I remember pointing to it as we walked by and (again) jokingly said we should buy it. He grabbed it off the shelf and said "I agree" and kissed me. We would lay awake for hours laughing about names and coming up with the nicknames other kids would call them. Those are memories that still make me smile.

The picture above was taken the day after our wedding by our "Just Married" car.

My break from school has been very much needed and I didn't realize how much needed until I am sitting here thinking to myself "I would have to be going back in 5 days." 5 days!! I was able to put my head down and push through the last 6 months because I had to finish the first year, but now that I am able to take the first 5 weeks of the year off I am extremely grateful to my school, and my professor that suggested it to me. The holidays really weren't as bad as I expected. Yes, there definitely were sad moments throughout the entire week...but the bottom line is that I survived my first holiday season and I am stronger for it.

I could take more time off, and just lay in bed and cry...that would be acceptable in my situation. But haven't. I could lose my sense of identity and become a total mess...that would be acceptable in my situation. But I haven't. I could quit school and give up on life for a while. That would be accetable for someone in my situation. But I haven't, and I won't.

I am stronger, I will be a better person, and I will stand through this extreme tribulation in my life because I know Kevin would want that for me. I know it is what I would want for him.


The truly strong in life are the ones who walk through hell and managed to get out alive, and refused to change for the worst, but for the better with time. -Themis Eagleson

Today is hard. I don't really recognize it as the first day of the new year because for me a new year started on June 24th. That's when my life changed forever and today is just another day. Sun Valley has been a great gettaway but the grief didn't really hit me until I was alone. I still can't believe at times that he is gone and I have to learn how to deal with it on my own. The waves still come in and sometimes are just as hard as in the beginning. I think what has changed is my ability to recognize the wave and deal with it. I have learned my own coping skills that allow me to take control of the grief and direct it where I want it to go. I have no control over when they come...but I have total control over what to do when they come. For me, just simply being outside and moving helps. I went for a long walk around the resort and noticed my attitude about today and life in general change from sadness and depression to being hopeful and motivated.

Exactly one year ago we were driving to the east coast. Sirius radio had the top 100 country songs of the year and we were in the car so long we listened to every one of them. We played a game to see who could guess the number one song and whoever came the closest got to choose what dinner the other had to cook for them when we got to Manchester. We both chose a seafood dinner complete with Lobster, bacon wrapped scallops, and shrimp scampi. He won (of course) and chose the exact song, I think it was a Lady Antebellum song. In the end he helped cook the whole dinner anyway. He was such a good cook and loved that we could cook together.

The picture above was taken at Kevin's Uncle and Aunt's (Mike and Lynn) house in Woodland Park, CO on January 1, 2010 when we stopped in to visit with them on the way to Manchester.