Hope and Changing Grief

It has been a very full month of ups, downs, stress, peaceful moments, and much much more. I had to deal with a number of incredibly hard events and emotions surrounding Kevin's death and I felt like I regressed about 7 months while it was all happening. I had to go to California and see the places he loved the most and be around the people he loved the most, but I also had to be around the place he died. I have such bitter sweet memories of Cedarville for that reason alone. It is the place we met, he told me he loved me the first time on the surprise valley hill, we kissed for the first time at his one of his best friends house, I told him I loved him for the first time at the mill.  It is where our love story started, and it is also where he took his last breath. That is very difficult to handle, and I'm not sure how time will help me get over it.

I got back to the east coast last Wednesday and I am starting to feel a change in my grief journey. It was 80 degrees on Sunday so decided to go out and about in the town of Waterville, ME. There is not much to go "out and about" to so I ended up wandering around Wal-Mart and Home Depot...things I did often in the beginning just to get me out of the apartment and keep me from going insane. Normally I would just roam the aisles, look at the toys, appliances, avoid the baby section at all costs, etc. This time the garden section was open and looked very inviting so I decided to take a look around. For the first time since I can remember I got a glimpse of excitment about the future. My future beyond next week, and even beyond next month. My future for when I graduate and buy a house. I actually got excited about being about to plant a garden and buy patio furniture. I know that may sound lame to the everyday person but it was an EXTREMELY big step for me. Excitement about the future.

I have a week break before my next rotation starts in Boston and my wonderful parents bought me a two nights stay at a very nice hotel and spa in Portland, ME right on the waterfront. After the month I've had, I definitely needed some serious relaxation time. I got here yesterday (Monday) and had a Seaweed spa package day today. I have never had seaweed rubbed on any part of my body at any point in my life, but I would have to say...it was rather nice. My skin feels milky smooth and actually smells pretty great : ). I also got a hot stone massage and a facial. I fear I may be addicted to spa's, which is a bad addiction considering the outrageous price tag on some of the treatments!

I have also spent some time on the beach. I have always loved the water...lakes, rivers, ponds, and creeks, but I have especially always loved the ocean. I spent alot of time just gazing out into the water and thinking about the turn my life has made in the last 9 months and how I have handled it. I know I made some mistakes...many mistakes...and I would probably have done things differently had I known what the result would be. But I've done the best that I could considering the immense amount of pain and tragedy I have had to live through. I am still here, I am not perfect, and I will continue to do the best I can for me.  During one of my support group sessions last September we were given three notecards and told to write three different emotions on each of those notecards...then we turned the notecards over and wrote a sentence about the emotion we just wrote. I found my notecards and one of them was really quite moving to me. It said:

Hope: I have hope that in the future I can smile again, I can laugh again, and I can find joy again. I have hope that in the future, I will look back on my journey and know that Kevin would be proud of the person I become.

I wrote that at only 3 months out. I feel like I have come so far since that day, and I have smiled and laughed...but they were only fleeting moments before I realized my true reality again. I feel like my grief has changed in the sense that I am finally moving in a direction to truly smile, truly laugh, and truly find joy again.

The picture above is one of my happiest moments with Kevin on the coast. A moment that I am now able to look at and smile instead of sob.