June.

Just four little letters that carry an unbelievable amount of emotion.

I can't believe it's June. I usually don't know the date...I wake up, get dressed, go to work, and....well...work. It's not until I have to write the date on something that I actually realize what the day is.

The last couple days have been good. Not great by any means...but not terrible. And I truly know the difference...trust me. I felt a pull of deep emotion and thought about the day Kevin died all day long. And then I realized why. I think my heart knew before my mind. It's June. JUNE!!!

I was talking about the good and bad days with another widow and how I never really knew what a true bad day was, or for that matter, what a true good day was. We believe (and pretty much every single person who has suffered true tragedy that I have discussed this with) that people who do not know what deep, intense, heart shattering, breath stopping sadness is...do not know what true happiness is. They are blissfully unaware that "life is good" and "all is well" and if you do good things, good things will happen to you.  I have met some of the most amazing do-gooders in the world who were not immune to tragedy.

Most of those people that I have come across are young, naive, and completely content with not truly knowing what a really good day feels like. I know this because I was one of those people. I was apart of the "nothing bad will ever really happen to me" club. I was happy...very happy. But now I know that I never truly had a remarkable day (other than the day I married Kevin of course) because I hadn't known what true sadness really felt like.

That being said, I still haven't had a truly happy day........yet. I added the yet, because I know that happiness...true happiness...is in my future. I still miss Kevin every single day, and even more on days like today. But in his passing he gave me a gift greater than anything I could have ever expected...the gift of truly living, loving, and appreciation for each and every day. I would take that life lesson back in an instant...I would love to be blissfully unaware of what life could really be like. But I don't have that choice anymore...I am a widow now.

I appreciate the good days so much, because I know what the bad days feel (and look) like.  I know this month is going to bring on some of my worst days yet...but I will keep the faith, stand tall, and push through.  I know there are good days...No...GREAT days to come. Days filled with TRUE happiness, beauty and love.