My grandpa Harold joined Kevin on Sunday.  He was in pain and it was his time to go, but that doesn't make it easier that I don't get to see him anymore.  I just remember every time we came to visit my grandparents and Kevin would give grandpa a big handshake and say "How ya' doin Harold."  Grandpa would smile and say something funny and they would both smile and laugh.  I just picture that happening in heaven.  Kevin gave him a big hug and said "Hey Harold, it's good to see ya'...let me show ya' around."  I love them both so much, it's almost a peaceful feeling knowing they are together looking over us.  I saw the love between my grandpa and grandma everyday and I couldn't wait until Kevin and I were married for over sixty years like them. 

              It's been a hard two months...it would be nice if things started to get better sometime soon.

It's hard to believe it's been two months.  At times it feels like I haven't seen or talked to him in years and other times it seems like he died yesterday.  I went camping last weekend and all I could think about is how much he would have loved it, but then I thought, he loved everything so it's going to be pretty hard to enjoy something knowing he also would have been there with his giant smile right along with me.  Summer meant fighting fires, camping, golfing, and fishing; Fall meant hunting and fishing; Winter meant relaxing and fishing; Spring meant getting ready for fire, golfing, camping, and fishing.  One particular day after we moved to Boise he was so excited to take me to this special spot to fish that he found while on a fire.  It was somewhere in the middle of nowhere south of Boise and when we got there I thought "this place looks exactly like any other place we could have fished that wouldn't have been a two hour drive," but of course I didn't say that because he was so excited.  We fished for about and hour before he got really excited and wanted to show me where the fire had been.  As he started talking about it I realized he took me there to show me the fire because he had been the Incident Commander Trainee on it and he had directed all the resources to put it out.  His eyes lit up and he explained who he called and how the engines got down into the canyon.  Kevin rarely tooted his own horn but I was so proud of him.  Every time I told him I was proud of him he blushed.  The world needs more Kevin's.

Signs

Last night I was reading a story in about a mother who lost her daughter in an auto accident.  Seeing dragonflys became a symbol that the daughter was telling her mother she was okay and in a better place.  I have been praying for a sign or something that Kevin is with me.  I feel him in my heart everyday but I just wanted a sign that I was still with him too.  This morning I stepped outside my parents door and hundreds of dragonflys swarmed around me.  I couldn't believe it.  I just started crying because I knew it was him telling me he was okay.  It was the first time I felt peace in two months.  The picture above is of Kevin fishing in Idaho...when he was always the most at peace.

It's amazing the memories that surface once someone is no longer there to make new ones with.  This weekend I have been flooded by memories that are so precious to my heart now.  Kevin loved to dance and one of my first memories of being with him as a couple is swing dancing to "Redneck Girl" by The Bellamy Brothers.  He stole my heart when he flung me around the dance floor like he was a pro.  I knew girls were always jealous when their husbands or boyfriends wouldn't even attempt to dance and Kevin was out there having the time of his life.  At our wedding we were going to do the typical slow dance song and be mushy and lovey dovey but I never felt like that was us and at the last minute we called the DJ and changed our song.  Our first dance as husband and wife was to "Queen Of My Double Wide Trailer" by Sammy Kershaw.  It was perfect because it was us.  We didn't rehearse or make up moves, but we definitely cut the rug.

Keep dancin' Babe...

Family is the strength behind which I know I can fall.  The last couple days have been extremely hard and I know I am changing stages in my grief.  Everyone told me the anger would come, but I didn't believe them.  How could I be angry with Kevin, or even with God?  But anger has hit me hard.  I loved Kevin with all my heart and soul and I am angry that he left me to feel this way.  I have been feeling guilty for so long about going to school, but I have finally realized that we made that decision together and he wanted me to succeed in life just as much as wanted him to.  We needed to build our careers in order to live the life we wanted together.  I was mad at myself for so long but I know now that if I hadn't gone to school I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.  Thank you, Aunt Cheryl, for waking me up and helping me see that.  The picture above is from Erik and Jackie's Eelkema's wedding.  It was such a beautiful event and I loved being with Kevin there.  I loved going to weddings with Kevin after we were married because I felt like we got to "show off" being husband and wife.  Kevin loved calling me his wife.  After we were married he would come home and say "how was my beautiful wife's day today?"  He was so proud to be my husband.  I miss that.

Coming home to a room full of Kevin's things hit me like a ton of bricks.  The reality that I will never see him wear these clothes again is too much at times.  My heart aches that I can't share my break with him and see his smiling face.  I have gotten to the point where I have at least good moments every day.  Everyday is still hard to face but it is easier to get out of bed.  We had so many plans for our future that I can't look past what I'm doing next week because I know he won't be in my plans anymore.  I know he's with me every step of the way in this journey but I just want to scream sometimes that he should be with me on earth, not in heaven.  I have been reading stories from the Wildland Figherfighter Foundation from families who have lost their loved ones.  It is both sad and comforting to know that so many people have gone through what Kevin's friends, family, and me are going through right now.  We can find comfort in each other and help each other through this.  Kevin loved to be around friends and family and we should honor his memory by doing the same.

John 14:27    "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Last day of vacation.  It's been extremely hard to not have Kevin here with me.  Everything that surrounds me reminds me of him or something we did together here.  I'm going to miss my cat and dog but it will be nice to be on the west coast for a little while.  Kevin always tried to say he liked Konrad and was not a fan of Belle, but I knew different.  I would always catch them watching Sunday football games together on the couch and Belle would be snuggled up next to him, or sitting on his lap.  I remember the day my Mom flew my animals out here and I was so excited to see them.  They flew into Boston, which is about 50 minutes from Manchester so we had to come pick them up.  I, however, had a test the next day and Kevin said he would do it by himself.  The plane got in at 5:00 so he hit the worst possible rush hour traffic and it turned a 50 minute drive home, into 2 1/2 hours.  For those of you who know Kevin, you know that he hates traffic!  But he still showed up with a smile because he knew how excited I was to see my animals.  He would do anything to make me happy.  I loved that.