Halloween is not so exciting when there is snow on the ground and freezing temps outside. It is nice to relax after a long weekend of studying for tough test today. Seeing snow on the ground brings me back to the first time Kevin and I rolled into Manchester in January. Even though it was extremely cold and snow was present, we traveled to the ocean several times because we never lived so close before. Halloween does bring me back to last year when we made our first big purchase as a married couple when we bought our white 2008 Toyota Tundra. It was such a big moment for us, like we were finally adults. I always wanted Kevin to dress up as Zack Galifianakis or Zac Brown because I thought they looked so much alike when he had his beard. It is hard seeing couples costumes, I thought we would have the rest of our lives to dress up together.

Happy Halloween everyone, Please be safe

The dictionary has two definitions of resilience: 1) the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity. 2) Ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy. We are into our psychiatric portion of classes right now (something that I have always been interested in) and yesterday the professor mentioned that resilient individuals have the ability to cope with extreme tragedy in a way that they will become better and stronger having gone through it. I believe I am resilient. Kevin was also very resilient. He had the ability to turn any situation into a positive one, and people just wanted to be around him. It's also why he was great at his job. Nothing phased him. The picture below is of him cutting a tree down on a fire the summer of 2007.

I have referred to my journey many times as a roller coaster, however, I also sometimes feel like I'm drowning in the ocean and grabbing for anything, or anyone to keep me afloat. The second definition of resilience mentions buoyancy, or the ability to stay afloat. This is where I am, I am simply buoyant right now. I'm not swimming gracefully, snorkeling for fun, or wake boarding on a hot afternoon...I am simply keeping my head above water. The definition of resiliency does give me hope, that someday in the future I will return to my original form after being compressed. However, I will never be 100% who I was because Kevin has changed me for the better in so many ways, he will always be apart of who I am.



 

Today has been a good day. It is surprising because today is the 4 month anniversary. It is also very relieving because I have had quite a few bad days in a row... I was well over due for a good one. This also comes at a good time because I have two exams in a row this week and I need to be focused to study. I know Kevin is watching out for me, it is just still so hard to believe he is gone though. I still think about him all day long, but I have periods of focus that are returning to me. I was able to clean my apartment and do laundry...in the same day! This may sound like a very small feat, but to me it is huge. It is days like this, these glimmers of hope that keep me going and keep me moving forward. I get up everyday and I try for Kevin. I started this journey long ago for me, for my dreams and goals, and for our future. I continue now in his honor and my future.

The picture above is from camping in the South Hills in Idaho with some good friends in the summer of 2008.

Things have leveled out a little after the big day Tuesday. I didn't think I would take quite a hit with my birthday but I was definitely knocked down pretty hard. I guess it was a little taste of the holidays to come, which really is a hard season to look forward to. Everyone is having Halloween parties and planning costumes to have a great time. I always tried to get Kevin to dress up and go as some kind of couple but he was not a fan of dressing up.

The one time we did anything for Halloween was the first year we were together when a bunch of us from the fire crew went around throwing eggs and rotten tomatoes at each other. I was mad at Kevin that night because he was paying more attention to his friends than me...oh how young we were. Some of the girls and I went in an "unnamed" building in Cedarville and hid eggs in places I think people are still finding today. It was one of the most memorable Halloween's I have. Kevin threw an egg so hard at one of the girls he broke her glasses and made her cry. Needless to say...the egg fight was over and he felt HORRIBLE! I think he apologized a hundred times (he still felt bad about that one Becca!). From now until February 21st (his birthday) I will have some true tests of faith and strength.

The picture above is from my 23rd birthday...my first one after Kevin and I became a couple.

Soooo, today is my birthday. Not exactly "happy" but it is still a day of bitter sweet memories and emotions. I have been shown a tremendous amount of love from coast to coast on this 27th year of my life. I have had many heartfelt texts, calls, messages, cards, and a few very sentimental gifts sent my way today from the east to the west. These last four months have given more life lessons than all the other years combined. The one thing I have been taught very much today...is that I am very loved.

I woke up with the flood gates opened and the tears would not stop. No matter how much I willed them to. I couldn't even stay in class because I was afraid I might soak the carpet through to the next floor! I just kept thinking about how he would have called me at midnight, text me all day, sent me flowers, sent me a card with a wonderful message of how much he loved me, etc. He was terrible at birthdays...but he was getting better every year. He finally got the concept that I required a whole birthday week...and sometimes two if I could really stretch it. The first year we were together he didn't even get me a card. His birthday gift was a Columbia vest that he made me pick out at Cabela's...at the end of November! I was 2 1/2 years older than him and he never made me forget it. He was always asking me when my AARP card was coming and telling me to order off the senior menu so we could get a discount. Some days I miss him, and some days I really really really miss him. This is one of those REALLY miss him days.

The picture is from our October birthdays party in Cedarville last year. It was a great night, we had so much fun together. And yes...he is licking my face : )

I went to the Brew Fest in Portsmouth, NH yesterday with some friends. It was a good time and definitely something Kevin would have liked to do. There was live music, tons of people, and around 30 breweries that had several different beers to sample. Kevin always liked microbrews and the occasional IPA, but he was a Keystone Light boy at heart. Especially on a hot summer day, he would love to come home after work and crack open the cheapest beer in the store...not because it was cheap, but because he actually liked it. He was so down to earth and truly loved to just be outdoors enjoying the company of his friends and family. The picture above is from one of our campfires in Cedarville, just Kevin enjoying life with friends and a Keystone Light.

It's hard to remember what my life was like before Kevin died anymore, what my normal used to be.  I would give anything in the world to have that normal back again.  It's raining today.  I hate rainy days.  They are so gloomy and depressing.  I miss Kevin enough and being outside is sometimes the only thing that can lift my spirits. When it's raining I have to settle for being indoors and starring at a grey, cloudy sky. Kevin loved to be outdoors also.  I think that's part of the reason he liked being a firefighter so much, because his job was outdoors and physical.  He hated sitting around.  I started reading a book called "I Wasn't Ready To Say Goodbye" by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair. I would recommend this book to anyone who has lost a loved one so suddenly. An excerpt from the Introduction that I read today was inspiring that slowly time will change my grief and I may begin to like what my normal is again.

After losing someone we love, we begin again. We learn how to take courageous baby steps, how to walk and talk, how to dream different dreams, how to trust again, and how to create life anew while honoring the past. We are forever changed. We see life differently. More than anyone else, we understand the value of each minute, we understand the importance of saying what needs to be said today, we understand what is truly important.