To say last weekend was amazing would be an understatement.  It was the first time I have felt normal in exactly 10 months. Yes, today it has been 10 months since the world as I knew it was so cruelly ripped from under my feet and I was left wondering what the hell just happened....and more importantly...how the hell was I supposed to recover from the most earth shattering blow to my heart and soul that could ever happen.

The answer: HOPE!

I attended Camp Widow this weekend and not only was greeted by...but welcomed with open arms by widows of all ages and stages.  It was a place where the most common and accepted questions where...How long ago did your husband/wife die? And....How did they die? Questions that would have you looking like you just escaped from the mental institution had you asked them to any random individual in real life. (Real life is what I call anything outside of my peeps from support groups or my new widow/widower friends from Camp Widow). 

A normal conversation at CW consisted saying the most insane, crazy, sad, humorous, or depressing thoughts out loud and having them met by "I know," "Absolutely," "I have thought that same thing," "I'm thinking that same thing right now," and the most important "You are not alone." In the beginning I thought I was alone in this incredibly difficult and painful journey and I have slowly realized how "not alone" I am. But this weekend was the first time I've felt like not only am I surrounded by incredible people who are going through the same thing I am....but there are people out there who have gone through it and made it to the other side.

When I think about all the amazing people in my life I often say how glad I am they are there and I think about some of the broken journey's that has led me to them. I have always been grateful for the choice (wrong or right) that led me to them. This is one place where I have met some pretty amazing people....though I wish I never had.

 (Picture from Cumberland, RI taken by my new camera)


 As the one year mark fast approaches I can't help but think about everything that was going on at this time last year. All our last conversations, the last skype calls, last text messages. It is so hard to believe that my biggest worry last year at this time was how I was going to do during finals week. I was so stressed out I pre-warned Kevin that I would be cranky, tired, and unable to talk for the majority of the week. He was always so caring and understanding. He always just wanted me to be happy.


I have had a struggle with making decisions the last 10 months (I think I deserve a pass for being undecisive), but it is mostly because I still ask myself: What would Kevin do? It doesn't matter if it is buying clothes or deciding what to do for the weekend...I still wonder what Kevin and I would have decided together. What restraunt to eat at, what shirt to buy, what movie to whatch to big life decisions...they were all things we would decide together. I know that no matter what I decide he would only want whats best for me and whatever would make me happy. It is a very difficult transition to go from a "we" to a "me" and I still have a long way to go before that transition is complete. I know that I will always think about him in the big decisions...but I have to start considering what is best for me, and me alone now. I was actually talking to Kevin out loud (yes I do this often, and no I'm not crazy) about this in the car on the way to the hospital yesterday and saying how easy it would be if he were here to help me cope with everything and a song came on. It's one that I've heard many times, but I think Kevin sent this one just for me at just the right time. It's called "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts. He wasn't perfect...but he was always my biggest fan and sometimes he always knew the right thing to say at just the right time.

"My Wish"

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

It's coming to the end of another exhausting week and I can't believe how much time has flown by. I feel like time has gone so slow and so fast at times that it is hard to keep track of where I really am in the year. It's been 9.5 months and it feels like 9.5 years...yet some days it still feels like 9.5 days.  I was having a particularly hard night on Tuesday and I picked up one of my grief books I haven't read in a while called "I wasn't ready to say Goodbye." Before I opened it I prayed for some friends who have recently lost a loved one and then I asked God and Kevin to help me. I am drastically lacking motivation to study and I need a good kick in the ass to get going when I get home from a long day of being at the hospital. It isn't like a normal job where I can come home, cook dinner, and relax. I still have exams to study for and assignments to do, and I have to do it 6 times a week. However...I have no motivation to do any of it. I asked Kevin to help me get my motivation back.  Just as I opened the book a piece of paper fell out of one of the pages. It was a note from him. He used to send me inspirational letters and this was the first one he sent me. My heart stopped. I haven't picked this book up in 4 months and out of the blue...on this night...I decided I was going to read it. The letter said how proud of me he was and how much he missed me. The tears, of course, flowed. In that instant I was completely reassured that he has always, and will always be around me. God always works in mysterious ways and I know he and Kevin will always be giving me a little push along the way!

Everyday the fog lifts a little more. I often think back to the first few days, weeks, and months and wonder how I am where I am today. There are times during the day when it still takes me a few seconds to catch my breath and realize what my life is now. I am beginning to miss the old me. I have changed so much in the last 9.5 months that I hardly recognize who I used to be. I look at pictures and wonder who that person is. I think more than anything I have changed for the better...but there are some things that I miss and wish I could have back. I used to be so proactive, I was the one who went the extra mile, did the extra credit, volunteered, I always wanted more. I feel so timid now. I have lost that confidence to be a force and it is really hard to find the strength to be that person again. I had a review with my first attending and it went well other than she told me I needed to be more proactive and push to do more. It took everything I had not to break down and cry right there. I just wanted to scream "that used to be me, I used to be the first in line, the last to leave, and not afraid to take initiative!!!"

The walk...or rather fast jaunt to my car was a blur. All I remember was opening the car door and then the tears came. I just want to be me again. Being in the hospital is not exactly therapeutic for a grieving widow at times either. There is death around every corner. Someone is always talking about it or a patient and their family is facing it head on. Death is all around.

I will admit that I am much more comfortable with death and talking about it than I ever was before. But I am definitely not at the point where I can face it without having strong feelings and emotions about Kevin creep into my head, and I probably never will.  Today is Grandpa Harold's birthday, he would have been 82. I know they are together smiling down on us now and having a great party, probably fishing. The pictures are from Easter Sunday two years ago when we always celebrated his birthday. Love you Grandpa.

I was definitely spoiled last week during spring break when the temp was in the 80's and I was dreaming about soon to come beach days. The last week has been pretty dreary, cold, and overcast. It definitely didn't help that my whole family was on a Caribbean cruise enjoying sun, ocean, and mas margaritas while I was trying to learn my way around a strange hospital and getting back into the groove of medicine again. I am learning more everyday and I love that part...but I also feel like somewhat of an idiot around every corner. There is sooooo much to learn that I feel extremely overwhelmed at times and wonder if I will ever be able to fit it into my brain. I was also thrown into an extremely stressful situation on my 2nd day that I later learned I was never supposed to be apart of anyway!

I am at a teaching hospital which means there are usually lectures and conferences during the day that the students are required to go to. On my schedule I was given for the week it said I had a patient simulation at 11am on Tuesday. Okay, no biggie...I thought. So I show up around 10:55 and it is just me and another med student intern...which means he has about 3 more years of experience than me. For some reason no one else shows up and it is just him and me. So it is explained to us that this is supposed to be a non judgmental, stress free environment for real life situations. The premise is that if we practice these emergent situations enough, the real life events will go much smoother. Seems like a great idea...I thought. Except for the fact that I hadn't had my ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) training since June and I also hadn't looked at a single protocol since then.

So the nurse comes in and calls us into the room of a patient who is having trouble breathing and is confused. I immediately freeze. I LITERALLY couldn't think of a single thing to do. Just to pretend like I was doing something I put my fingers on his wrist to act like I was checking his pulse (which I later realized was actually the correct thing today...yay, one right thing!). I started sweating profusely...its a good thing I had my white coat on or I'm pretty sure this intern would have seen some major pit stains going on. The simulated mannequin (we'll call him Mannie) was actually very high tech. He spoke, had vital signs, and real pulses. All the sudden, Mannie took a turn for the worse and his blood pressure dropped and he stopped breathing. The intern immediately start chest compressions and all I could do was ask for the bag valve mask. I then proceded to put it on his face (upside down) and then just sat there. I didn't squeeze, I didn't say a word...I just continued to sweat profusely. Mind you, this is my 2nd day in a hospital. My previous rotation was in women's health where I saw plenty of vaginas...but NO really sick patients.

While we were in the middle of trying to resussitate Mannie, two other interns finally came in the room and started speaking medical lingo...which were all terms I know and understand, but in my current state of shock, pannic, and profuse sweating, I had no idea what it meant. All I heard were: PEA, ABG's, respiratory acidosis, epi, and bi-carb. FINALLY, the simulation ended and we went back to a room to "discuss" what just went on. Which really turned into me sitting there looking like an absolute idiot and these other wicked smart interns telling each other what had happened. This is when I realized that there were no other PA students, or for that matter even med students under a 3rd year in the room. After I questioned my comrad about it she says "Oh ya, our simulation was cancelled, that was only for the 3rd year med students, you weren't even supposed to go." Great.

All in all it was a good first week on internal medicine. It is definitely times like this that I miss Kevin alot, though. He was always someone I could call and talk about my day. The good, the bad, and everything in between. He would laugh with me about what happened. We were also supposed to be on the cruise with my family. I could have gone but I just know I wasn't ready to do something like that without him, especially when he was supposed to be right there with me. I miss my best friend. The pictures below are from our honeymoon. I was always going to frame the sand picture with "The Konz's" surrounded by our wedding pictures when we finally were able to buy a house and settle in one place.

I feel like somewhat of a vagabond. This week I had to pack up all clothes immediate necessities and move from Waterville, ME to Cumberland, RI.  It definitely makes me think about things I really need, and things I am just holding onto for sentimental value. I have very little new things that I have bought since Kevin died so everything else are things he saw me wear, things he used, or things we used together. I just can't bring myself to get rid of them yet. They aren't necessarily expensive or irreplaceable and it would definitely make my moving process less laboring...but I just can't seem to get rid of them yet.

And then there are my new purchases. Three to be exact. Purchases that I made for me, to do things that make me happy and forget my reality for a few hours. Hours are precious to me because I normally only get minutes, sometimes up to 20 or 30, before my reality once again sets in. The three purchase are:

1) Golf clubs. I made this purchase last summer when I found (almost by accident) a driving range and decided to give it a try. I loved it. It was a way to clear my mind and be outdoors at the same time, two very important things when I was holing myself up in a dark, dingy apartment sitting in pain and depression.

2) Rock climbing harness and shoes. When the weather turned and sitting in my apartment was the only option next to freezing...I decided to turn to exercise. I read many times that exercise was a great way to cope with grief and I literally lived about 10 yards from a YMCA but I couldn't go there. Kevin and I used to go there. We went to spinning together, ran together, lifted weights together, played basketball together. Everything was together. I would walk in the place and literally start having a panic attack. Soooo, I needed to find another outlet and rock climbing was perfect. I also had some great partners to go with so it made it and even better social outing. I was able to  challenge my body and clear my mind...perfect.

3) a DSLR Sony a35 camera. Photography was also very hard for me to do in the beginning. I have always loved photography and have never left my house without a camera. After Kevin died, I couldn't even tell you where my camera was or if it was even charged. I have maybe taken a total of 10 pictures in 9 months. On Friday I just wondered into a camera store and started asking questions. I felt this spark of excitement. It was definitely an impulse buy but I couldn't be happier with my new therapy hobby.

I know that Kevin would want me to be happy in anyway possible and I feel like I keep finding new things that are helping me find the "new" me.  It has been an extremely long road and I have hated my new reality every step of the way. I feel like my new hobbies, however, are giving life to my new reality and with time will help me fully accept and love this "new" me.

Hope and Changing Grief

It has been a very full month of ups, downs, stress, peaceful moments, and much much more. I had to deal with a number of incredibly hard events and emotions surrounding Kevin's death and I felt like I regressed about 7 months while it was all happening. I had to go to California and see the places he loved the most and be around the people he loved the most, but I also had to be around the place he died. I have such bitter sweet memories of Cedarville for that reason alone. It is the place we met, he told me he loved me the first time on the surprise valley hill, we kissed for the first time at his one of his best friends house, I told him I loved him for the first time at the mill.  It is where our love story started, and it is also where he took his last breath. That is very difficult to handle, and I'm not sure how time will help me get over it.

I got back to the east coast last Wednesday and I am starting to feel a change in my grief journey. It was 80 degrees on Sunday so decided to go out and about in the town of Waterville, ME. There is not much to go "out and about" to so I ended up wandering around Wal-Mart and Home Depot...things I did often in the beginning just to get me out of the apartment and keep me from going insane. Normally I would just roam the aisles, look at the toys, appliances, avoid the baby section at all costs, etc. This time the garden section was open and looked very inviting so I decided to take a look around. For the first time since I can remember I got a glimpse of excitment about the future. My future beyond next week, and even beyond next month. My future for when I graduate and buy a house. I actually got excited about being about to plant a garden and buy patio furniture. I know that may sound lame to the everyday person but it was an EXTREMELY big step for me. Excitement about the future.

I have a week break before my next rotation starts in Boston and my wonderful parents bought me a two nights stay at a very nice hotel and spa in Portland, ME right on the waterfront. After the month I've had, I definitely needed some serious relaxation time. I got here yesterday (Monday) and had a Seaweed spa package day today. I have never had seaweed rubbed on any part of my body at any point in my life, but I would have to say...it was rather nice. My skin feels milky smooth and actually smells pretty great : ). I also got a hot stone massage and a facial. I fear I may be addicted to spa's, which is a bad addiction considering the outrageous price tag on some of the treatments!

I have also spent some time on the beach. I have always loved the water...lakes, rivers, ponds, and creeks, but I have especially always loved the ocean. I spent alot of time just gazing out into the water and thinking about the turn my life has made in the last 9 months and how I have handled it. I know I made some mistakes...many mistakes...and I would probably have done things differently had I known what the result would be. But I've done the best that I could considering the immense amount of pain and tragedy I have had to live through. I am still here, I am not perfect, and I will continue to do the best I can for me.  During one of my support group sessions last September we were given three notecards and told to write three different emotions on each of those notecards...then we turned the notecards over and wrote a sentence about the emotion we just wrote. I found my notecards and one of them was really quite moving to me. It said:

Hope: I have hope that in the future I can smile again, I can laugh again, and I can find joy again. I have hope that in the future, I will look back on my journey and know that Kevin would be proud of the person I become.

I wrote that at only 3 months out. I feel like I have come so far since that day, and I have smiled and laughed...but they were only fleeting moments before I realized my true reality again. I feel like my grief has changed in the sense that I am finally moving in a direction to truly smile, truly laugh, and truly find joy again.

The picture above is one of my happiest moments with Kevin on the coast. A moment that I am now able to look at and smile instead of sob.